Written by boweratbat
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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

First of all, all Americans owe Toby Keith a long overdue thank you for releasing the kick-ass song Brought To You Courtesy Of The Red, White, And Blue as the dust cleared after the tragedy on 9/11. Since he warned the Jihadists of the world that he would "put a boot in their ass because it's the American way," how many domestic terror attacks has the US sustained in the last nearly 10 years? Exactly!

Clearly, Toby Keith's music harnesses an authority beyond comprehension.

The problem is that there have been many more catastrophes on American soil since 9/11. Oddly, the airwaves have been silent: no vintage Toby Keith threats. I can't help but feel that, although Toby should not be held responsible for unforeseen disasters, he should be held accountable for allowing them to continue when all he has to do is whip-up an intimidating song.

Four years after 9/11, Katrina dive-bombs the Gulf Coast in true Al-Qaeda fashion, and out of this tragedy came no tunes, and no threats. What was the deal? Why wasn't Toby shakin' his fist at the sky, warning the next typhoon that leers near our coastlines that he'll cram a knuckle sandwich into its butt-hole? Thanks to his silence, Katrina knew it could just waltz onto our beaches like it's nobody's business and pummel the shit out of us. Toby went from a 9/11 "the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist," mindset to a Katrina "Just feed it some poor Negroes and maybe it'll go away," mindset.

So everyone understands, 35 hurricanes have struck the US since Katrina. That's 35 more hurricanes than terror attacks. All 35 could have been avoided. I'm sorry, but massive natural disasters aren't afraid of the lyrics "And we like to drink our beer from a mason jar. Hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar."

Consider the offshore explosion of BP's Deepwater Horizon rig on April 20th of 2010. That sucker leaked oil for three months and I don't think Toby sang a damn word about it. Surely he could have hastily managed some lyrics on April 21rst and bullied that oil rig into plugging itself. Hell, he could have just tinkered with some of the lyrics in his former patriotic fight song. Just change "And the eagle will fly and it's gonna' be hell, When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell," to "The petroleum covered pelicans are lookin' like hell, And drivers go an extra two miles to fill-up at a Shell." Sure, it doesn't flow the say way, but it would have been enough to spare the environment if those lyrics would have spilled from his renegade cowboy pie hole.

It appears Toby Keith has gotten lazy. As a consequence, we have all suffered.

The list of recent totally avoidable tragedies has multiplied. Just to name a few: the Minnesota bridge collapse, the Great Recession, and Mister Rogers dying. Not a peep from Toby. Until he sings again, no infrastructure will be too afraid to crumble, no house will be too afraid to be foreclosed, and childhood heroes will continue to die.

All I'm saying is, for the sake of the US, and for the sake of all of humanity, Toby Keith needs to utilize his immense musical talents to produce more songs that can scare the bejeus out of any future tragedy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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