It's a fact.
The world is ending this year, or so say the experts who are pretending they can read the ancient texts of the Mayan people, that long ago vanished Mesoamerican tribe.
So, I thought it would be prudent to cover a few final points before the destruction of mankind. And if I can, help you survive it.
This is my 'How To' guide in how to survive the apocalypse.
Hold on tight, it's gonna get a little bumpy....
1. Let's begin with a little celebration. The world will end on 21st December 2012. That's a given. So if you look at your watch for me, and the date says 22nd December, then you heeded my advice and this worked. Pat yourself on the back, pat me on the back, we did well! If however it's pre-21st, let's get you through this....
2. The world will almost certainly end with a very loud bang, so acquire some sturdy ear-defenders or those little plug in ear-plugs. Try testing some early on, wearing them for a few hours at a time, so as to build up your familiarity with them. Ear plugs can be uncomfortable at first, for the novice user. We are man, why should we suffer uncomfortably, even when the world is ending?
3. Unlike the threat of nuclear war in past years, hiding under a table in your lounge will not provide suitable protection from the end of the world. You will not see a blinding flash and then wait, expectantly, as a tornado strength wind follows some 20 seconds later. This will be almost instantaneous. The world will literally be ripped apart beneath you. However, we do have the advantage of forewarning. The Mayans, bless their cotton socks, have already told us when it will happen, so let's make sure we're ready. Find a suitable shelter. It must be deep underground. Really deep. About 30 meters should do it. 35 to be sure. It must have solid concrete foundations, with solid thick concrete walls, and topped of with solid concrete ceilings. It can be one bedroom, two, three or four. It really doesn't matter, just make sure the walls are thick. And made of concrete. Oh, and air holes. Everyone always forgets air holes! Don't worry about radiation for now, that won't happen until much later on, when the newly disused reactors rust and rot and begin leaking, or are breached during Armageddon.
4. Stock up with your favourite foods. Tinned is best, but packets, pouches and dried goods are all fine. Leave out fresh vegetables. These will perish quickly, and you don't want to be trapped in a concrete tomb with that stinky rotten smell. You can't put the bins out in here, you know! If you are staying with other people, please think of their well-being too. Avoid lentils, curries and other vapour producing products. You may enjoy the smell of your own foulage, but others will not appreciate it.
5. You will probably be living here for about three or four months. The dust will be far too thick on the outside to even contemplate venturing out there before then, so kit out your new abode with the essentials for a few months living. I can't really help you here, as you know what you like far better than I, but I can give a little list of the sorts of things you'll need...clothes, washing powder, toiletries, medicines, cooking utensils and equipment (don't forget the tin-opener), batteries (lots of batteries!!), deodorant, air freshener, sunglasses (I'll explain later), digging tools, a screwdriver, calendar, books/entertainment, paperweight, CD cleaner, polish and a blanket. Avoid electrical appliances, unless they can be run on battery power. You will have no power, as all the sub-stations will be knocked out. Oh, and toilet roll! Everyone always forgets toilet roll! You don't want to have your first dump and then realise you can't wipe your bum for four months, not with everything else that's going on...
6. On the morning of the 21st December (the end will begin at around 3:30pm, as apocalypses don't do mornings), climb down in to your shelter, backfilling the entrance tunnel as you go, and seal your self in. You will probably feel a little bump when the world ends, but don't panic. You'll be OK in your concrete box. Specific details are sketchy at best, as to what will happen when the world ends. But it will end.
7. Sit and wait.
8. After a few months, begin tunnelling back out of your abode, breaking through the layers of concrete with the tools you stored earlier. Now, when nearing the top, put on your sunglasses. Your eyes will have only seen artificial light or no light for the last few months, so they will not appreciate being blinded by the suns rays first thing in the morning!
9. Take in the fresh sweet air. Upon entering the new world you will inevitably notice a few familiar things. Cars buzzing by, people dining in McDonald's. Aircraft flying overhead. Birds singing and children playing in the park. You will note the apparent lack of devastation in the surrounding buildings. You will also notice people looking at you strangely. Mothers shielding their children from you as you shuffle by, your beard all knotted and filled with muesli. Picture, if you will, a tramp. A hobo. A bum. That is what you now look like to these people. Some odd, unshaven, dishevelled, smelly subterranean mole-man, covered in dirt and detritus, emerging from the depths of the Earth.
10. Have a shower and get a job. You will no doubt have lost yours, as you didn't ring in, and you didn't show up for a few months! Slowly begin to rebuild your life. Find some dwellings, yours will have been re-let by now, or the mortgage company will have repossessed. Try contacting the authorities to alert them that you are in fact still alive. Oh, and have a shave. The beard never suited you anyway.
And there you have it. You survived the apocalypse you hero.
And in future, don't listen to stupid, modern-day made up prophecies, tacked loosely on to the serious writings of an ancient and intelligent race (who are still around today, by the way) by 'experts' who probably write for The Sun.
They have as much foundation as a prophetic badger telling you to jump through a ring of fire!