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Wednesday, 11 January 2012

For ten years now Flowing Tempest have toured the world and everywhere else. We at Back and to the Left music news caught up with the lead singer Alex Hall.

So Alex long time no see in England what you been up to?

Shit have we started?

Yes, so how's things been going?

When did we start? You haven't recorded me shouting at the Polish guy have you?

No

Good because it would put me in a bad light. Bloody Polacks, no offence man but if English isn't your first language you shouldn't be taking fucking orders. I bet I still get Mayo on my fucking sandwich. Hey Ivan (to our Polish caterer who doesn't have a language problem) Ivan! No mayo you get me. Fucking hell Chernobyl wasn't big enough if you ask me.

I don't think we should be talking about events like Chernobyl...

No your right. What's done is done I suppose.

Quite. Now we here that you've got a new album coming out.

Yeah man it's a solo album my first one in a while, it's a load of tracks I've never really thought fit onto any of Tempest's albums. So your going to get a bit of a mix on this record some funk, jazz, rock....I said no fucking Mayo. For fucks sake where did you hire this guy from? The international retard relocation program?

Yes we always use that program to recruit. There's a tour starting soon isn't there?

(Still talking to our caterer) I've killed people for less....sorry what was that a tour? Yeah were going on tour in support of the album nothing massive just playing some shitty little venues.

Are you going to be playing Leeds this year?

Fuck that. I'm avoiding Leeds like the cancerous tumour it is. Leeds is about as welcome as women at a golf club....

I'm from Leeds.

Unlucky.

Ok let's move on. So your living in America at the moment how's that working out for you?

I know what this is.

Excuse me?

Your fishing for that bloody story aren't you?

What story?

That one about me and the school kid.

Oh the paedophile charges.

That were dropped man. I'm no Paedo man I'm not hanging around school gates with a trench coat on asking kiddies to come see my puppies. She came up to me and said she was eighteen....

And the Barbie luchbox didn't give any clues away about her age?

Fuck you arsehole. Look I never did anything with her anyway I was too drunk. I got whiskey dick I couldn't get it up so fuck you.

So you had no idea?

Not until she woke up the next day saying she was going to be late for school.

And you dropped her off?

Only polite isn't it.

So you maintain that you did no wrong.

Look man you and I both know that there's a lot of fifteen year olds out there who would totally get it. I mean their pretty much just little women anyway looking for a bit of fun. Come on a fifteen year old lad still thinks punching a girl on the arm is foreplay, it's only natural that they are attracted to the older man.

So....

Hang on I've got a idea. Why don't all girls get their date of birth tattooed on the small of their back sort of like a date stamp? Yeah that would work then no-one would get caught out again.

I think we should move onto women who are of legal age.
]We've heard that your seeing Hollywood actress Kim Scargrill is there any truth in those rumours?

She's got massive tits which are fun but we aren't nothing serious.

What about your arrest for possession of cannabis earlier this year?

My own fault really we'd got pulled over by the police and I didn't even bother putting the spliff I was smoking out. I just let it hang out of my mouth stupidly hoping he wouldn't notice. Do you know what the worst thing about that whole night was?

What?

I had one of the lasses on the bus give this dick of a copper a blowjob, right. And he still fucking booked us and put me in the cells for a night.

I bet that was an experience.

Your telling me! This guy tried to attack me but I sparked him out. Next day the police told me he had AIDS how close was that?

You cant catch AIDS from...just...never mind. Finally the band got a lot of stick for playing a private gig for the North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Ill. May he rest in eternal damnation....

Hey man moneys moneys at the end of the day and we had a gap in our schedule so I thought why the fuck not. Anyway Sabbath played some dates in South Africa during the apartheid and it didn't do them any harm.

But he was a murderer....

I'm sure there's quite a few people who come out to my shows in England who are murderers, rapists and kiddie fidderlers. We take their money just the same....

So your saying your audience in England is made up of criminals?

No I'm saying the majority of them probably have something to hide. Everybody has skeletons in the closet it just depends how big the locks on the door are.

Alex Halls solo album "Fuck Free Speech" is out in March.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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