Written by p.doff
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Tags: gifts

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

image for Useless Gifts 9 : Black Velvet Pictures Of Elvis & Jesus

A lot of people out there have no taste. It's why Primark sells size 47 spandex pants. It's why the guy that invented tansit van desert landscape airbrush paintings lives on a sugar plantation in Mexico on top of a gold mine and sleeps on a mattress made of naked hot girls. And it's also why there will always be artists that work exclusively in the medium of black velvet. Because some stupid asshole will inevitably see it and say, "That is the coolest thing I've ever seen since that baby blue leisure suit I bought last week but not for irony's sake! I'll give you £5,000 for it! Looks like it's time to sell my motorhome.So tacky.

Two extremely common subjects for black velvet paintings are Elvis and Jesus, so why not combine the two? Because your brain can't handle that much rad at one time, that's why - until now! Finally, someone's black velvety dreams have come true, because I've found a lot of websites (including eBay) selling black velvet paintings of Jesus and Elvis standing next to each other in heaven, and even one featuring Black Velvet Jesus and Black Velvet Skinny Elvis playing cards. The funny thing is that Elvis usually has the halo.

The worst example of this I've found it at a site, obviously run by a madman. For sale are insane paintings such as "Jesus and Elvis meet [Princess] Diana and Mother Theresa at the Gates of Heaven!," and "The Three Kings," the latter featuring skinny Elvis hanging out with Dale Earnhardt, sort of facing each other, with Jesus floating in the background, possibly trying to merge Elvis and Dale into some new kind of Super White Trash Monster. People need to stop denying the existence of fat Elvis, especially since that's what he was when he DIED ON THE TOILET.

But anyway, the point is that if you know someone that would love a black velvet painting, especially of Jesus, there's a good chance that person lives under intersecting power lines and bathes in their own feaces, so you should probably stay a good distance away from them.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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