Written by Inchcock
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Saturday, 14 January 2012

image for Current Inventions designed and being produced in Nottingham for 2012 0% chance of help to make him honest then?

Nottingham, has such a high level of conceptual, theoretical, and studious citizens. It is no surprise to us that it currently has the top six 'Beneficial' inventions being worked on.

Our panel of representationally selected Nottingham bred intellectuals, and unemployed benefit seekers assess the chances of success for each project.

Assessment Panel:
Baxter D Wall (Unisex barber-shop manager)
M. Balmer (Redundant Funeral Parlour worker)
Ophelia Taccle (Massuer)
Tyron Shulaces (Job Centre Plus clerk)
Seymour Flesh (Pole Dancing Trainer)
Ophelia Payne (Disbarred physiatrist)
Pat McRotch (Unemployed jobseeker)
Ali Bye (Unemployed none-jobseeker)

Name & Aim of Invention:
NIT (Nottingham In Transit) - Time machine.
Architect-Designer-Inventor:
Members of the 'The Nottingham Mindcare' Residents Association.
Produced-Manufactured-Presented by:
'The Mindcare' Residents Association.
Assessed chances of success: 15%
We think the discovery of sub-atomic particles apparently travelling faster than light could force a major rethink of theories on the makeup of the cosmos. This discovery, arrived at by the study of Nottingham Rioters looting last year, could hold the key!


Name & Aim of Invention:
Sonic Powered Truncheon - To assist Nottingham Police during riots, and incapacitate muggers.
Architect-Designer-Inventor:
Pensioner, Lily Pond, robbed twice and mugged three times last year.
Produced-Manufactured-Presented by:
Age Concern (Combat Unit) in association with the BNP.
Assessed chances of success: 14%
This weapon could be very successful. We like the warning up to elimination settings on the handle: Low - Pickpocket, Medium - Youngsters, Medium+ - Muggers, Rioters, Taxi-drivers, High - Politicians. Of course these settings are only temporary, they do seem to have got it tight first time.


Name & Aim of Invention:
The Nottingham Medical Panacea - A remedy that would cure all diseases
Architect-Designer-Inventor:
An elderly gentleman (name withheld) who has a failed heart, ulcers, impetigo, arthritis, poor eyesight, is deaf, bald, got boils, a bad back, and regularly gets toothache.
Produced-Manufactured-Presented by:
45th Nottingham Boys Brigade First-aid badge holders association.
Assessed chances of success: 10%
We're not sure that the gent should be trying out different concoctions and doses of his daily medications, but it seems he is determined to create this wonder-drug. He has, since starting his mix-um and take them experiments, developed bleeding from his anus, a stutter, a twitch, and nose-bleed.

Name & Aim of Invention:
Corrective Mind Machine - To make MP's honest

Architect-Designer-Inventor:
Rupert Murdoch
Produced-Manufactured-Presented by:
Kodak - Playboy Magazine.
Assesses chances of success: 0%
Too far fetched - can never happen!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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