Written by Mary Birdsong
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Tags: Jesus

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Is this savior plate microwave safe? Or a microwave sin?

Theologians and religious scholars convene for a special counsel at the Vatican this week to discuss whether The Church is prepared to label this plastic Jesus plate as a sanctified "microwavable miracle" or just a cheap piece of crap.

The prized piece of plastic controversial dinnerware seemed to display an uncanny likeness of the Christian Messiah, yet it was purchased at a humble ]"99 Cent Only" Store. While some Vatican officials point to the plate's lowly origin as proof of it being nothing more than a dishwasher-safe hoax, many high-ranking clergy believe that very same lowly origin is in keeping with the baby Jesus' own humble beginnings in a manger.

Reporters barked questions at the clergy, eager for answers:

Would a hungry Christian's soul be damned to hell if placed inside a microwave on high for 2 minutes?

Would Jesus' face melt?

If cleaned after a meal, would an image of the Savior's face appear on the sponge? If so, would scientists in crisp white lab coats try to carbon-date the sponge on the H2 Channel? (H2 is The History Channel that still has history on it).

In a bold gesture of inter-faith tolerance, the Pope reached out to theologians of OTHER faiths about the plastic wonder. Respected Jewish scholar and Los Angeles based Rabbi David Wolpe was quoted as saying:

As long as you keep Kosher, what's not to love? It's a plate. For food.

It's got a picture of a nice Jewish boy on it. Jews love food. So who are we to judge? Pass the kreplach and get on with the thing!"

In the end, all the clergy in attendance decided to put the plastic plate to the ultimate test-- in the microwave it went. THE VATICAN MICROWAVE! (Known to holy insiders as as The Vaticave!) After all, they argued, Christianity is a religion in which the figurehead of the faith literally asks his followers to eat him.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-c36REgNWPOo/Tv5KVN3hgyI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/7_sB-nMD2Qw/s1600/IMG_3230.JPG

So, with the press of a few buttons: "doot! doot! doot!" (the Vaticave's microwave buttons are crazy loud-- like, "wake the neighbors up" loud) they had 60 seconds in which to say grace. 60, 59, 58... Bless us, oh Lord, for these, thy (45, 44, 43...) gifts which we are about to (30, 29, 28...) receive through the bounty of Christ our Lord, (5, 4, 3, 2...) Amen."

Once again the Vaticave's beautiful beeps of done-ness rang out like church bells: "doot! doot! doot!" And out came a delicious, nutritious meal, resting on a bed of steaming hot Messiah.

Body of Christ, Amen. Now who wants a trinity of tater tots??!

** A cornucopia of "Christ-y chic" dinnerware, coffee mugs and candles really can be found for a pittance at the 99 Cent store. Their selection is truly miraculous.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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