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Friday, 6 January 2012

image for Economic Recipes for Nottingham Residents Broken off bits of Chives always available from the floor or shelving near Asda, Aldi, Morrisons, and Lidle salad sections

We show the unemployed and minimum wage earning Nottingham residents, just how they can tantalise their epiglottis, economically. Even in the current financial strife, the common riot torn, criminal ridden, muggings galore, Nottingham peoples find themselves in today.

The recipes presented here, were donated by Nottingham unemployed citizens, prisoners, security guards, NHS patients, minimum wage earners, senior citizens, and ripped from the web, in an effort to assist those on assistance to survive the coming freezing winter weather, on their benefits and low pay.

All the recipes have been tried and tested, as verified by staff at the A&E unit at the Queens Medical Centre.

Nottingham Nettle Soup
Ingredients:
2 Sprigs nettles (Available from plot 234 of the Rock Cemetery, behind the graffitied gargoyle on the left)
1 carrot (Squashed leaves are always available from the floor near Asda fruit & Veg sections)
1 stick celery (Squashed leaves are always available from the floor near Asda fruit & Veg sections)
Dash of salt (Availble sachets in Colonel Saunders and KFC outlets)
Two pansies (Available from the sponsored traffic island on Mansfield road)
Optional: Asda shoplifted white sliced bread
Method:
1: Place all ingredients in a pan of water. (If your tap water has been turned off due to non-payment, the water in the Vernon Road park can be used)
2: Bring to the boil, and simmer for three days.


Local Lettuce Soup
Ingredients:
Lettuce (Squashed leaves are always available from the floor near Asda fruit & Veg sections)
Salt (In winter the rock salt on the roads can be used)
Garlic (Broken segments of garlic are always available from the floor near Asda fruit & Veg sections)
Method:
1: Remove the stem from the lettuce and roughly chop the leaves.
2: Fill a big pot about three quarters of the way full with water and the dash of salt, then bring to a boil.
3: Lower the heat to the absolute lowest setting and put in all the garlic, simmer for 30 seconds.


Grilled Local Fish with Herbs
Ingredients:
1 fish of choice taken from the aquarium in the Victoria Shopping centre, or the Nottingham Canal
Chives (Always available from the floor or shelving near Asda, Aldi, Morrisons, and Lidle salad sections)
Salt (In season, available from neighbours gardens, out of season, tins can be shoplifted from Saindbury's for a higher quality product)
Optional: Asda shoplifted white sliced bread, or for better quality. Morrisons Wholemeal thick sliced.
Method:
1: Grill whole fish over candles for three days.
2: When fish is crispy, add other ingredients, and eat.


Depression Hot Dogs with Sherry
Ingredients

1 shoplifted onion
2 hot dog sausages (Finance can be obtained via the Benefits office if you tell them it's for your child's birthday)
Salt & Pepper (Available sachets at McDonalds, or the tables from Sainsbury's cafes)
1 bottle of Sherry (In the event of your having none left from your looting expeditions in the Nottingham riots of 2011, vinegar is on offer at Tesco)
Method:
1: bung it all in pan un heat it up.


Unemployed Bran Gruel
Ingredients

1 pint of bran of white wheat. (Available at George's farm during the night)
Salt (Available sachets at McDonalds, or the tables from Sainsbury's cafes)
Method:
1: Boil bran in 3 pints of Arbouretum pond water for 30 minutes.
2: Strain and salt to taste.


Nottingham Anchovy Salad
Ingredients:
1: 3 stickleback fish (Available from Nottingham Arboretum, and Arnold Park ponds.)
2: Lettuce (Squashed leaves are always available from the floor near Asda and Lidle fruit & Veg sections)
3: Tomatoes (In season, available from neighbours gardens, out of season, tins can be shoplifted from Saindbury's for a higher quality product)
4: Chives (Always available from the floor or shelving near Asda, Aldi, Morrisons, and Lidle salad sections)
5: Cheese (Cheaper way is go into McDonald's and collect the bits off the tables)
6: New Potatoes (From neighbours garden, or alleyway left of delivery door at Sneinton Market, next to the fire-bombed butchers)
7: Salt & Pepper (Availble sachets in Colonel Saunders and KFC outlets)
Method:
1: Salt and put the potatoes on the boil
2: De-head (save for your fish soup) and carefully bone sticklebacks, (saving bones for fish stew later), grill over a candle for ten minutes.
3: Slice the cheese if not already grated my McDonalds, and eat while your doing the rest of the preperation.
4: Arrange all other ingredients around the fish fillets, and dine.
* It is advisable not to have this meal on your JobCentrePlus day, due to the flatulence it might bring.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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