Written by Lyndon
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Wednesday, 28 December 2011

image for Nine things that'll guarantee you'll be a miserable bastard in the new year Road rage and miserable bastards: they go together like a wink and a smile

Bah-Humbug is your middle name. But why should a miserable bastard only get to be miserable at the holidays? Commit to memory these easy-to-follow steps and you'll be sure to be insufferable for all twelve months.

1) Run away from your problems. Why face problems head on when you can run from them and possibly make others feel as if these same problems were theirs and not yours.

2) Tell yourself untruths or even lie to yourself. Convince yourself that you're something you're not and you may make it to June without realizing the real truth.

3) Hold onto the past. If the past was better than the present, and it most likely was, hold onto it and lament all things present and despise the future.

4) Be scared to make mistakes. Making mistakes is humiliating and it's the main reason why kids laughed at you in school. So stick only to time-tested actions and activities which you're good at. And if there aren't many of those, so what?

5) Try to buy happiness. Money can't buy happiness? Mostly said by people with more money than you have, so they can kiss your fat ass.

6) Enter into relationships for the wrong reasons. Relationships built on faulty ground won't last long but who needs other people?

7) Be jealous of others. Hey, if someone has something you don't have and it bugs you, it must mean you need to have that something.

8) Hold grudges. If people were assholes to you once, chances are they'll repeat this behavior. If you have a short memory, they'll hurt you again. As George W. Bush once said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well..., you just can't fool me twice."

9) Follow the path of least resistance. Why make waves? If you've found an easy way out, why would you try to find a harder way?

Being a miserable bastard takes very little discipline, so this should be your cup of tea. And don't lose site of the goal of any miserable bastard: to beget other miserable bastards.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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