Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Tuesday, 27 December 2011

There are few Christmas traditions more familiar and charming than hanging up a stocking for Father Christmas, leaving him a mince pie and a carrot for his reindeer. But things are done a bit differently in Scotland.

There it is customary to leave out a drop of whisky and a few cans of Stella. The Scottish Santa needs fuel to keep him going through the long, dark and blurry Scottish night.

He dresses differently too. He wears a reddish tartan outfit which is otherwise similar to the usual Santa. Under his coat he wears a magical football shirt which is a Celtic kit on one side and a Rangers kit on the other, and can be switched easily to please any crowd of sectarian thugs who may happen upon him as he delivers presents. He is normally portrayed with a black eye, from when his wife Morag hit back at him for drinking too much.

Instead of the North Pole, he lives at the top of a twenty storey tower block in East Kilbride, from which his reindeer Willie, Eck, Ian and Fat Boab pull his giant mutant gift-bearing haggis across the sky.

Many a Scottish child will have woken on Christmas morn to find his carefully laid out beer cans emptied and strewn across the floor, and the tree decorated with Santa's famous vomit.

"Look, Da'! He wis here, " the excited youngster might say. "There's his spew on the tree. But where's ma presents?"

To which every Scottish father knows the response, which he must recite despite his aching hangover. "Er.. We couldnae afford..I mean Santa couldnae..Ye must have been bad this year."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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