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Friday, 26 January 2007

We hope you enjoyed the first in our bijou little series, The Spoof's Not Posh Guide to Premiership Football. Today, The Spoof, launches the second in the series, The Spoof's Not Posh Guide to Rock and Pop Part Uno, one in a series of high-quality pullout articles for all you busy, posh, Spoof reading parents who know what's right and proper, but not what your kids are getting into, which to be honest, is a migraine attack waiting to happen.

We know you haven't got time for all that class-conscious twoddle because we live in a classless society, right? These days, the bricklayer can nudge up with the doctor, and the university lecturer can get down with the cleaner, of course, but we don't want you to let your guard down. So, here at The Spoof, we do all this on your behalf. And for very good reasons.

So, you're asking, what the flip is Not Posh? Well, if you haven't heard, it's all the rage in Hampstead, and North Oxford, where our core readers are situated. It's simply this, you don't want your kids to look like the posh twerps they are, but at the same time, you don't want them running around with the chavs. No, of course not.

We teach you subtle control, and the little bit of knowledge you require to steer your kids around the class traps laid down by popular culture, into Not Posh street cred territory. It's a posh parents' dilemma we're sure you're familiar with. So, what do you do? You read The Not Posh Guide, that's what, and here it is without further ado. It's essential.

But first, we, Phoebe and Gerald Poshknob, have been writing the highly successful series of best-selling books, You and Your Inner Snob, for thirty years, so we know a thing or two. Okay. Here it is, the second in the series.

Issue 2 - The Spoof's Not Posh Guide to Popular Music Part One

By Phoebe and Gerald Poshknob

It was over ten years ago that the importance of identifying and sticking with what is Not Posh was driven home to many of us. The band Oasis had broken lots of middle-class hearts by behaving very badly indeed. Everything had appeared in order to the unsuspecting parent. Oasis were northern, and sounded like the Beatles. They had appeared on lovely little Jools Holland's show, that paragon of classless musical taste. They looked very good. They wore expensive shades, and leather jackets reminding us of our 1970s heydays. They had a sense of danger our children liked, yet they looked safe as pussycats, that is, to the unwise.

Many people mistakenly steered their posh twats towards Oasis thinking it would make them look Not Posh too, but they were wrong. They failed to notice the warning signs. Oasis were not, Not Posh. Oasis were simply Not Nice, and many of us were embarrassed by their totally unruly behaviour.

It was nobody's fault. It was a hard lesson. We had let them into our homes. It was like letting little Beyonce's boyfriend stay over, only to find him urinating.

The problems with the Oasis boys were writ large, and we are here at Not Posh to point them out for you, albeit with hindsight. Their defiant swagger was not the defiant swagger of confident young men, but of aggressive weak men. Their songs lacked the originality of the Beatles, they were mere parodies. We blame Tony Blair of course, misleading us with all that Cool Britannia, and chardonnay with Noel Gallagher at number 10. If only we had been here for you back then. The signs were clear for all to see. The boys were Irish through and through.

But there was a choice. Oasis hated Blur. How were we so misled? The better bet was obviously Blur, because Blur were Not Posh down to their squeaky clean trainers. True, they were art college kids from the south, but they were Goldsmith's college kids and Goldies is in the east end. Therefore, they knew a thing or two about being Not Posh, and they didn't disappoint with their jolly Park Life parodies of the working classes. Needless, to say, in this household, Blur reigned supreme, and Oasis? An oasis is a watery place in the desert where camels drink...and urinate.

In future, please read the Not Posh guide, your secret little guide to what's sweet Lily Allen, and what's foulmouthed Jade Goody.

And that's the Not Posh guide for another week, a parental trawl through the minefield of contemporary life providing you with vital information. What will your kids hate because it's posh? What should your kids be steered away from because it's common? And what's satisfyingly right and proper for them? The Not Posh guide.

Next week, The Spoof's Not Posh Guide to Rock and Pop Part Deux (Two).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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