A small Nottingham budget film company, 3Ms (Majestic Monochrome Machinations) has acquired financial backing from Walt Disney Euro, to go ahead with its brand new super-hero film series.
Part owner of the company, Arthur Eydere explained the idea and plans for the series to our entertainment reporter C. Verilittal.
"We had noted that there are currently no really ugly, disabled, or elderly super-hero's making films nowadays. In the old days we had Ernest Borgnine in films, and the likes of Cannon, and Kojak on the Television".
He coughed then continued; "I believe we have come up with a character that can fill all of those traits, with our new 65-year-old new actor Inchcock."
After hearing the list, I had to agreed he has all the natural attributes that can use in the films, originality, and comes cheap too.
Immediate Advantages of using Inchcock
Inchcock: This will be presented as a novelty, and never has a smaller novelty been revealed on film!
Impetigo: His Impetigo can be used as a slow motion weapon, as he passes it on through touch to the villains!
Hearing Aids: These can be used as radio transmitters, oral sat-nav, or radio receivers. There is great scope for many uses, never before used in movies!
Spectacles: Never have cracked NHS wire-framed spectacles been used in films before, another first for our company!
Arthritis: This will ensure a perfectly balanced and genuine limp is filmed, and the screams of agony on bad days will be genuine! For the first time as well!
Colestomy Bag: Never worn before by any super-hero in films, yet another first!
Medications: Never has a super-hero been filmed taking his medications throughout the production, a first for us once more!
Pot Belly: We anticipate this being used in the combat scenes, like a miniature Big Daddy would have.
Bald Head: The perfect example, naturally shiny, it can be used in the sunny scenes to blind his opponents with the suns reflection!
Bow Legs: Apart from cowboy hero's, bowed legs have not been used in super-hero films before!
Few Teeth remaining This will make it so easy for us to use false teeth getting knocked out on set!
Ready-made Scars: Perfect for simulating injuries obtained in his fight for justice in the films.
His cardiac surgery scars, groin scars from Hernia operation, leg/groin scars from Prostate surgery, stomach wounds from Duodenal Ulcer procedure, a multitude of head scars and dents to make use of, crushed toe scar, left two arm scars, three right arm scars, one left leg scar, left knee operation scar, right knee wound scar, two left hand scars, one right hand scar, four facial scars, and his misshaped in the boxing ring broken nose, will all be of immense value to us, and save a fortune on special effects.
It is hoped, that the Nottingham production of the as yet untitled super-hero series, will begin in March 2012, as soon as the £25.00 financial backing from Walt Disney is confirmed.