Written by Inchcock
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Friday, 23 December 2011

image for New Year Resolutions - that are easy for a Nottingham resident to keep! Resolution 13: Post early - help the Post Office to lose your in time for well before January 2012

1) Get mugged.

2) Have your home burgled.

3) Get made redundant, and sign on at the jobcentre.

4) Shop next year at the multitude of closing down stores to save cash and get a bargain.

5) Have pedestrian training on how to avoid the Big Issue sellers.

6) Visit the closed down medical wards, arrange nostalgia tours through your local Health Care Managers. (They will require 30% of income funding)

7) Play Spot-the-Policeman with other victims of crime in your locality.

8) Resolve to remove two bits of new graffiti a week.

9) Join your local crime-watch team, monitor the local Infant school, and report any attacks on the police.

10) Drive with your nearside wheels on a bus-lane stripe, and pay the fine weekly.

11) Have your car stolen and trashed.

12) Shoplift from a higher class of store.

13) Post your New Year packages and cards early, so the post office can lose them in time for January 2012.

14) Stand at the wall of Nottingham prison, and beg for food to be thrown over the wall to you.

15) Talk in the Meadows Nottingham slang that defies comprehension, and makes Brummies accents sound poetic, when being interviewed for a job. This should ensure rejection of you application.

16) Refuse to pay your neighbour more than £2 a pack for your Romanian made Player's Filter tipped cigarettes.

17) Pledge not to waste your time on reliving the past memories, VAT increases, pension cutbacks, HM Forces cut-backs, Police Cutbacks, the Nottingham riots, the Crime in Nottingham, the mad drivers killing pedestrians weekly, but rather spend it by worrying about the future, because its gonna get worse yet!

18) To save water, by taking even fewer baths and showers.

19) Plead guilty in court more often.

20) Keep a photo of your neighbours and relations with you at all times, this will help you when watching Crimewatch on your stolen TV.

21) Learn a new language, Polish, Romanian, Ukrainian, Nigerian, Bulgarian, whatever, so you can swear at your muggers in their own tongue.

22) Be kinder to policemen when they arrest you.

23) Learn some words of more than two syllables, to confuse the Security Guards, Job-Centre Staff, and Parking Attendants.

24) Get pick-pocketed in the City Centre.

25) Consider thinking about the possibility of your getting a TV licence.

26) Make a donation to the Occupy Nottingham City Centre brigade.

27) Stop driving and talking on the mobile phone simultaneously.

28) Be nicer to your benefit claims person.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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