Written by wordwaymike
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Wednesday, 14 December 2011

image for Jesus H. Crikey to host new reality show! Jesus H. Crikey warming up the crowd.

Last night, while in a deep meditational state, I channelled the cosmic energy life force of one of the great mystical major domo dudes of this century, and a couple of others, at the very least.

Jesus H. Crikey! Yep! the one and only.

Below, I have related what his life force herbal essence type remnants of self deposited within the nook and cranny recesses of my unworthy mind.

NOTE: Crikey will soon be the major channelling force for a new reality-based show called; "CROSSING UNDER." He promises that it will be a lot more entertaining than that weepy-eyed, weak sister of an other-worldly program, "Crossing Over."

"There isn't going to be anything that is touchy feely about my show." Stated Crikey. "And the things that are warm and fuzzy, you won't want to know about." He said without elaborating further.

Crikey continued; "For example, the first spirit that I channel is going to be the late Chicago crime boss Louie Caccitore. It's all gonna be all about; 'Where are the bodies Louie? You want some ice water, you stupid fuck, or what? Where's the friggin' bodies?"

"This is gonna be a lot more entertaining than a bunch of blue-haired ladies getting all weepy eyed over some pet poodle that was ran over by her husband." Crikey opined while eating cashews by the handful and washing them down with rose petal scented Holy water.

Then Crikey said; "I'll give you a sampling of the heavy duty philosophical precepts that I'm gonna bitch slap the audience's frontal lobe with each week. These little cosmic conundrums will take your brain gristle to a whole new level of understanding by hot wiring your synaptic sensory paradigm and connecting it directly to your brain skillet ground wire. I can accomplish this just by flooding your auditory sensors with a sampling of my inter-dimensional chitter-chatter skill sets. Hold on to your cosmic consciousness socks, and what ever happens, stay away from the fuckin' light!"

Then Crikey's eyes rolled back into his head, and his voice suddenly changed. He now sounded just like Edith Bunker from "All in the family as he/she said;

Don't hate the player. Don't hate the game. Hate the illegal receiver down field, then penalize his ass!

Do unto others... Just do it! To others.
To err is human. To forgive is a real toughie.

Render unto Cesar Chavez what is his.

I meant a Bud Light!

I knew a bad girl once. Boy was she nice!

It doesn't matter if you win, or lose. Unless you had money riding on the outcome.

Never finance the buying of your home with a sub-prime loan!

If someone strikes your left cheek, turn the other cheek. And when they "go for it" duck quick, and give them a good one to the solar plexus!

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask not what you can do for your country. But if you have a couple of bucks, and can spare it until my next reincarnation....

Behind every dark cloud, there is a heavy-metal, radioactive, toxic chemical lining.

Be kind to animals. Most have really sharp teeth!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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