Angela Merkel: Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a new jacket. I fear that should I giggle when next Nicky (Sarkozy) tickles me, I will pop a button. Even two or three.
President Sarkozy: Dear Père Noël, please bring me an inflatable doll but the doll must be as sexy as my dear little angel - Angela Merkel. She's German, but not to worry about that - Hitler's dead after all.
Pope Benedict: Dear Babbo Natale, please bring me a virgin seminarian ready for initiation of the most intimate kind. You have no idea the problems I've had this year because of raunchy priests.
Hillary Clinton: Dear Santa, please bring send me a hairdresser.
Prince Charles: Dear Old Chappie, please bring my wife a new face.
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall: Dear Father C, please do what my husband Prince Charles asks you as the matter is urgent because I've just disappeared into one of the wrinkles on my forehead.
Silvio Berlusconi: Dear Babbo Natale, please bring me … well, I will leave it for you to decide but she must be no older than 17 - and if possible she must be a niece of ex-president Hosni Mubarak.
Prince William: Dear Father Christmas, please do not let me dream of Pippa every night!
Michelle Obama: Dear Santa, please bring me some money so that I can get my dressmaker to make my dresses a big longer. My knees do get oh so very cold here in Washington DC in winter.
David Cameron: Dear Father Christmas, please bring me sex appeal so that the gorgeous Angela will notice me. You have no idea what she and the little French dwarf are getting up to.
DSK: Hi you! (That's what I said to the maid in the New York Sofitel and I got what I asked for so I trust the same will happen now.) Seeing the wife has grounded me, please bring life to those voluptuous naked nymphs on the paintings on the walls of our apartment. (Unless I find some relief immediately, I'm going to explode!)
Jesus: Dear Father Christmas, please stop stealing my show.