We caught up with Wayne Rooney yesterday, shopping alone on the Manc high street. We initially saw him hiding under a Nike hoodie 37 sizes to small for him (looked like something that'd fit his son Kai), emerging from Bobbers, a hair salon.
We shouted his name to try and let onto him. 'Shrek, Shrek!' we screamed.
He turned around, saw us, and ran away as quick as he would after looking in the mirror. We then decided we needed to bait him in, as it was our only chance of catching up with him, so I got out my David Beckam-esque man bag of essentials, asked a passer-by who looked shockingly like Carlos Tevez to help us out, and began my plot.
I asked this man's name, he replied Denis [we didn't catch his surname, he may have sneezed], and claimed that he played for Everton. We put some green face paint on him, a female ginger wig and a dress that looked like it had been put together using only leaves and a sewing machine by someone with a hand spasm, telling him to tell Wayne that his name was 'Fiona'.
Denis did so, and Wayne came running. We caged him (nicely), and brought him back to HQ for some questions.
Following speculation, we asked him if he was interested in joining Russian minted side Anzhi Makhachkala (wait, that sounds something like what Denis' surname was!), anyway, this was his reply: 'Lad, let me go and I'll tell you, f***in' hell lad!' [we let him go] 'Bless you. Right am off.' We didn't sneeze, we said the name of the Russian side. We made this pretty clear to him using a doorstop, so he replied 'K lad! Never heard of 'em lad, who the f***in' hell are they?'. We gave up, and released both of them (Fiona and Shrek).