Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Saturday, 19 November 2011

image for Why Britain is not in danger of default Money makes the debt go round

As the European single currency threatens to collapse amid a cacophony of guilty fingering, the UK remains under no immediate danger of default. Why should this be? With a foreign debt of over 6 trillion pounds - second only to the US - there is a surprising amount of confidence in island Britain's ability to remain afloat.

This isn't just a simple example of maintaining a stiff upper lip in the grimacing face of impossible odds. The reason why the UK is still considered to be relatively safe is because it has a number of high-value assets, which could be sold to pay off our debts.

So why don't we just sell these assets now? And what exactly are they?

Firstly, there are Britain's Overseas Territories, some of which are very attractive islands in the Caribbean, and not all of which are volcanic. Bermuda and the Cayman Islands could be sold to China for a few billion pounds at least. And if Spain or Argentina had any money they might consider buying Gibraltar or the Falklands as well.

But why stop there? Earlier this year a Japanese businessman expressed interest in buying Wales, and transforming it into a giant theme park called "Happy Sheep Valley Super Tom Jones Land".

The Royal Family are worth a lot of money too, particularly its newest members. Certain nations who regret slaughtering their own royal families years ago may wish to buy a piece of ours. Pippa Middleton's arse alone was insured for £10 billion, and has to be inspected every morning to check for damage.

Britain still has significant natural resources in its celebrities. Foreign powers would no doubt be very interested in buying Katie Price's implants, Elton John's wig collection, or Brian Blessed's vocal chords. And already a Chinese website is auctioning the rights to marry everyone's second favourite living Beatle, Paul McCartney, next.

Perhaps the largest asset of the British government is the British people themselves. Individually they may be shabby, unappealing and cretinous. However, as a combined mass of 60 million bodies, they could provide enough meat to feed the entire population of China for nearly two weeks.

Alternatively, we could take advantage of the fact that British youths are the most violent, unruly and frightening in the world. When the Chinese army begin their global military conquest, they will pay good money to buy our aggressive young psycho teens and use them as a terrifying regiment of mercenary chavs.

So there you have it. We may be in debt up past our elbows, but thankfully we're wearing good quality veterinarian gloves and the cow is our own.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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