For the first time ever, the popular multi-ingrained, packed full of fibbers and chiggers website Facebook, is allowing users the chance to communicate with dead celebrities of the past. It is also encouraging all citizens to stand and deliver or the devil he may take ye. The move should bring about improved accessibility for Fatso Wong, increased rates for Susan's Boyle's and higher chances of debauchery for Silvio Berlusconi, Premier League footballers and a Big Bird.
Facebook, first established by the great 20th century communicators Sooty and Sweep decided to spruce up the sites' user interface after as many as one complaint from 'Error Message 404', Life not Found, please restart computer' flooded in from their own office.
No wait, it wasn't that it was really because of what is written after this upcoming full stop (period). The decision was brought about when the two chimney dwellers (Sooty and Sweep) had to tell serial puppet fiddler Matthew Corbett he was out of a job. However they could not but struggle, as Matthew didn't own any form of telecommunication device, he had also turned deaf and dumb from repeated hammer blows to the head at the hands of the little yellow fluffer. Matthew is also emotionally crippled by a big fuzzy woo woo lying on him each day he wakes up again.
Fakebook carried out a survey of all its abusers to see what extra things could be added in order to fill the mind numbing gap between cradle and grave. Here are the results:-
- Do whatever, I don't give a crap and have better things to do. Hey wait, aren't you that extra from Ben Hur? Yes I am! Oh great tell me what it was like working alongside George Taylor? Erm I think that was Planet of the Apes. Oh, how embarrassing. Yeah I think this conversation is over. 25%
- Suck it and see, the controversial confectionary based slap app. 25%
- The Library of Facebooks, a place where each and every member shall remain squashed on a shelf, breathing in only the putrid smell of residents' stinking lies and sighs of discomfort. When everyone has stopped caring about them they shall receive a prompt message declaring that they have expired and may they please log out and die. 'Would you like Google Chrome to remember your password after your death?' 25%
Predict-a-Friend. Whereby a giant randomination machine will pair up unwitting and eternally hopeless people based on appendage size alone. A trial run has already been played out and it threw up some interesting couples. Octopussy from the movie Octopussy was paired up with Jonah Falcon (owner of the world's largest penis) and a centipede was paired with a blue whale. The machine does have a 50% chance of malfunctioning and may force 'friends' to lick certain objects/people which for many years have been deemed 'unlickable'. Oh sorry that's like, not lick. Other pairings are Ducks and Barnicles, Gorillas and Shrews and lastly Stephen Merchant with Ricky Gervais. 25%
And, wait for it........
When the results of these results were found out, Frank Further took them to the office of the Facecrook numero uno, who is someone YOU'LL never know and the resulting results of these results resulted in a result that was Earth shattering. When this loser got there he told a joke, which goes thusly. Farting in a lift, that's wrong on so many levels. That joke was told to get the hell out and take its man with it, so it did.
In the end Matthew Corbett was instructed to find the meaning of Matthew Corbett in the dictionary but found the bad tempered book yelling 'Banned' at him several times over. He did however find out the exact height of the letter 'A' which everybody had been dying to know. If you do not know who Matthew Corbett is then I suggest you look him up in a dictionary, like he did.
In other news, Brian Blessed has taken over a school of timid tortoises and NASA, at the request of Steven Spielberg have decided to harness the power of Simon Cowell to beckon down low flying UFO's in order to revive the ET franchise which has been described as 'dead on its arse'. If that doesn't work they'll probably just give up looking at spacey things for a bit.
*The writer of this piece must wholeheartedly apologise to Matthew Corbett and all of his friends for any offence caused. He must, he must, he must.
Reporter - Number one extra from the movie Ben-Hur