Written by Clarkey
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Sunday, 6 November 2011

We spoke to American Major Soccer League star Landon Donovan about a possible loan move back to Everton in January yesterday. Here's what was said:

(We arrived at his flat and i accidentally pressed the bell for flat number 178 instead of Landon's flat)
Me: Hello, this is the English press.
Angry old git: P*** off, you've just woke me up.
Me: We need to interview Landon Donovan.
AOW: That's nice.
Me: Can we speak to him please?
AOW: Why the hell are you asking me?
Me: This is his flat you old biddy.
AOW: Next door (hangs up on us.
(I press the bell for 179)
Other angry old git: the other side next door you idiot.
(I press the bell for 177)
Me: Hello, this is the English Press, can we speak to Landon Donovan over a possible loan move to Everton please?
Landon Stimothy Donovan: Speaking.
Me: Okay, is a possible return on the cards in January?
LSD: What cards?
Me: Will it happen?
LSD: Might do.
Me: Can you give us more information please?
LSD: If I can be bothered.
Me: You didn't come last year as you wanted a rest while the MLS stopped for a while.
LSD: Yeah, I fell asleep.
Me: Okay, can you try and stay awake for us this year as we're short on strikers, so short we had to bring in a fella who looks like Carlos Tevez on deadline day.
LSD: That's desperate.
Me: So do you want to make the switch.
LSD: Don't know, I'll see.
Me: Okay, where do you think you'd fit into the team?
LSD: (Snores).
Me: Hello?
LSD: (Hangs up).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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