Prime Minister David Cameron is about to ask the UK public "How happy are you?" The survey has taken one year and £2 million of tax payer's money to complete, due to the fact that the average civil servant's concept of happiness is a tidy desk, a supply of sharpened HB pencils and an empty waste paper basket. There is also no guarantee that future government policies will be in any way influenced by the outcome of the survey.
A source within the Office of National Statistics has indicated to our reporter not only which questions will be asked, but also the guidance people will be given when answering them. "After all", said our source, "like poverty, happiness is relative. What makes one happy will seriously piss off another".
The 10 survey questions which will soon drop through your letter box are as follows:
1. How happy are you with your life overall? - try to forget that your house is now worth little more than when you bought it, and that English is no longer the main language in your neighbourhood. You should also ignore the fact that you are paying more tax than ever and have less disposable income than your grandparents. There now, it's not all that bad is it?
2. How happy were you with your life yesterday? - a positive answer is required here. If you were really that unhappy yesterday, you would not be here today answering questions 2 to 10, would you?
3. How anxious did you feel yesterday? - a similar response as for question 2 will suffice.
4. Do you feel that what you do in life is worthwhile? - try to forget that your pension fund has been decimated and that you will have to work until you are 70. Also, that your savings are attracting 0% interest and your share portfolio has sunk deeper than the Titanic.
5. How well educated are you? - this is a trick question. It doesn't matter if you left school aged 16, or have a PhD, you are fucked.
6. How satisfied are you with your level of income? - we really hope you are satisfied, as it is unlikely to change for several years, while taxes and the cost of living will rise at an alarming rate.
7. How afraid of crime are you? - if you have recently fitted Chubb 5 lever security locks and steel roller blinds to your house, you should answer 'not at all afraid'.
8. Do you trust politicians? - this is an open-ended question, but your response should be no more than 10 words long.
9. How satisfied are you with your wife? - despite being a full time mother, holding down two jobs and ferrying the kids around all over the place, does she still submit herself to frequent bouts of all night lovemaking? Does she tend to her facial hair regularly? Does she starch the collar and cuffs of your shirts?
10. How satisfied are you with your neighbour's wife? - you may as well go ahead and answer. After all, everybody seems to be at it these days, regardless of whether or not they can afford a super injunction.
Questions relating to cataclysmic climate change, over-population, uncontrolled immigration and major social unrest were deemed to be 'trifling' and were not included in the survey.