Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 1 November 2011

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Zzzzzzzzz.

Oh good grief!

If I hadn't been eating dinner (home-made salted cod fishcakes and black bean salad) I'd have been asleep by the time this game was half over!

Birmingham picked up the first couple of starters and never looked back. They were not just faster to the buzzer, they really looked as if they knew more - which I'm sure was not the case.

Poor Birmingham, bless their cotton socks, never got going. It was like watching Leeds last week again.

The honorary Brummies, however, did possess the hair-do of the competition so far - punk physicist Thomas Farrer's spikes looked very dangerous and very 1976.

But the match was soooo slow. Despite being quick to the button Newcastle took forever considering the answers to their bonuses - even after Jeremy Paxman's usual admonitions in the last five minutes.

There weren't even any particularly entertaining mistaken answers - unless you consider it funny that the teams thought music by Sullivan (of Gilbert and Sullivan) was by Wagner or Brahms. But you'd have to be a proper smart-arse for that, wouldn't you?

Following the thumping the Geordies' representatives suffered at the hands of Sheffield at this stage last year, the Tynesiders would have enjoyed this.

Even if the rest of us needed matchsticks to keep our eyes open!

Final score: Birmingham 80 Newcastle 220.

(Birmingham: Thomas Farrer, Kurt Surgener, captain Oliver Jeacock and Elliot Rhodes. Newcastle: Ben Dunbar, Russ Dent, captain Eleanor Turner and Nicholas Pang).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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