Written by Michael Balton
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Monday, 31 October 2011

image for The Top 10 Upsides of Turning 60

It's no fun turning 60. It's the official beginning of "old manhood," as in, "What are you doing in the fast lane, old man?" Or worse, "What are you doing in the diaper aisle, old man?"

But as with most things in life, there are some positives. Change can be good. Improvements have been made. For instance, the life expectancy of an American male back in 1937 was 58. If that number hadn't improved, I would be communicating with you right now from the grave. That's a frightening thought, especially when you consider the roaming charges.

So I'll put the Poligrip coupon aside for a moment, and let's spread sunshine all over the place with the top 10 upsides of turning 60:

1. Can't hear half the crap they're saying about you. Can't understand the other half.

2. Those AARP hotties go crazy for younger men.

3. Can tell the same joke over and over again.

4. Qualify for the senior citizen bonus in Angry Birds.

5. Fake heart attack impersonation is now more believable.

6. The Scooter Store

7. Can recommend remedial math for whippersnappers who say, "60 is the new 40."

8. Personal visits from Wilford Brimley.

9. Can tell the same joke over and over again.

10. No longer have to take the SATs to get into a good cemetery.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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