Her Maj the Queen this morning opened the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference (CHOGM) in Perth, Western Australia. Here are the key excerpts from her opening speech:
Ewwwww, hellewwww, my name is Elizabeth, Queen of England, and what's left of one's great aunt Victoria's once massive empire.
One hopes you appreciate the effort Philip and I have made to come to Australia. It's a frightfully long way and one does so miss the corgis, much more than I miss Philip when he's away to be frightfully honest. One hopes that we can agree this weekend that all future CHOGM's will be held in Blackpool or somewhere just as close to the Palace.
Ewwwww, when one looks out at you all this morning one realises how many black, brown, yellow and generally not-white people we Brtish have managed to enslave, rape and pillage over the centuries. My home is full of the reminders of the mightier days of the Empire. In fact they were all stolen from your wonderful countries when we invaded you. And one finds it so special that you still choose to be part of the Commonwealth as you all seemed so glad to fight us to the death and throw us out of your downtrodden, poverty-ridden,diseased and politically-unstable, riff-raff, scummy countries at the time.
Ewwwww, so one wishes you all a fruitful conference and one hopes you can agree on important topics like the colour of umbrellas for the next CHOGM and whether to allow the continued hunting to extinction of rare animals across all the Commonwealth countries. Philip and I have done quite enough for CHOGM so this afternoon we're flying up to Bali for a couple of weeks on the beach and a nice pint of Bintang.
If any of you wish to contact us this weekend just shout loudly and prince Charles will let us know. With those ears he can pick up voice messages from over eleven thousand miles without the aid of a phone.