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Saturday, 22 October 2011

image for Letters To The Editor - About Hair Cruelty To Hair Must Be Stopped!

Dear Ed

Re- Hair. I used to have quite a bit of it. Then I got to a point in life where I didn't have quite so much, and now I find I don't have any at all. My wife attributes it to my age, but I don't believe her. If that was the case, how come the ones on the backs of my fingers and the tops of my toes keep growing? Answer me that then, eh! Eh!

Telly Savalas

Newbury.

*****

Dear Sir,

What's up with these blokes who are going bald, who shave what bit of hair they do have off? Is it some sort of con trick into fooling unsuspecting members of the public into believing that they could grow hair if they really wanted to? Whatever - it's not very convincing, because the proper baldy bits are all shiny.

Peter Falk

Andover.

*****

Dear Editor,

I got really angry the other day, when my husband said at a dinner party that I have a hairy face. When I disputed his assertion, he simply said: "Eyebrows and eyelashes, dear." Is he going fucking senile or what? Eyebrows and eyelashes aren't hair! They're made of eyebrow and eyelash stuff. He really is a prick. And that's on a good day.

Tyne Daly

Wallsend.

*****

Dear Sir,

You can say what you like about hair, but hirsute people really enjoy their grub. I've just been watching The Hairy Bikers on the Food Channel, and Si and Dave don't half get stuck into the scran. Henry VIII was a hairy bugger too, and he was always ripping the legs off stuff in banquets and having a good scoff. At least he was when he wasn't busy having his wives decapitated.

David Soul

Knutsford.

*****

Dear Ed

There's nowt wrong with being bald. It worked for Sinead O'Connor when she sang 'Nothing Compares 2U' - mind you, she'd have looked a bit daft with a bubble perm.

Paul Michael Glazer

Stirling.

*****

Dear Sir

If you kept all the hair you'd ever grown in your entire life and made it into a big ball, you'd have quite a big hairball by the time you die. It wouldn't be much use though because you'd be dead.

Tom Sellick

Worksop.

*****

Dear Ed

I hope this page isn't going to turn into a tirade against ginger haired people, like discussions about hair usually do. I'm sick of people slagging off gingers. Some of the nicest people I know are ginger nuts. And I have a ginger tom cat, so stick it up your arse!

Basil Rathbone

Droitwich

PS - When I say stick it up your arse, I don't mean my ginger tom cat. I mean, your anti ginger bias.

*****

Dear Sir,

Back in the day I had a rather funky Afro, and it never did my career any harm. Mind you - it wasn't ginger.

Richard Roundtree

Leighton Buzzard.

*****

Dear Sir,

Wayne Rooney was once going bald, and now he's got loads of hair. I just don't get it at all. How does that work?

James Garner

Wakefield.

*****

Dear Ed

Just to say that if any of your readers have any spare hair that they don't really want, or need, I'd be only too happy to take it off their hands. I'll even bring my own bag to take it away in. I'll accept ginger hair too.

Jaclyn Smith

Wrexham

*****

Dear Ed

I just KNEW this page would deteriorate into a tirade against ginger haired people. You're pitiful. What next? You going to publish crap about all gingers being gay and doing strange shit with gerbils? Cunts the lot of you!

Basil Rathbone

Droitwich

*****

Dear Sir

I must say that I agree with Peter Falk, of Andover. I think this whole thing about geezers shaving their nappers is a conspiracy designed by baldy bastards so's they don't stand out in a crowd.

Margaret Rutherford

King's Lynn

*****

Dear Sir

What's that guy Basil Rathbone's fucking problem? Nobody said anything about gingers until he poked his fucking snout in. I'm so sorry, but cunts like him make me really angry!

David Soul

Knutsford.

*****

Sir

I'd just like to thank Margaret Rutherford of King's Lynn for her kind remarks, and also for attempting to steer the theme of this letters page away from the plight of people with ginger hair. Lord knows, those poor bastards have suffered enough.

Peter Falk

Andover

*****

Dear Ed

I once went skinny dipping with a blonde bird in the Med off the south of France. You can only imagine my horror when she got her kit off and she was bright ginger down below!

Peter Sellers

Sellyoak.

*****

Dear Ed

May I suggest that you lay off ginger people in this otherwise interesting discussion about hair? You see, the thing is, that Basil Rathbone is a neighbour of mine, and he goes fucking mental when people twat on about ginger hair. I wouldn't mind, but he's not even a ginger-nut himself. He's just a loony who has loads of guns in his house who's embraced the ginger cause. We're getting a bit nervous round our way.

John Thaw

Droitwich.

*****

Dear Editor

Right! That's it! I've had it with you bastards! I'll sort the fucking lot of you out!

Basil Rathbone

Droitwich

*****

Dear Ed

Has he gone yet? Is Droitwich anywhere near Knutsford? I'm frightened...

David Soul

Knutsford.

*****

Do you want to talk about hair? Or anything else for that matter? Send your letters to the usual address because we're studying origami here, and we're running out of raw materials.

Ed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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