Written by MonkeyInTheBath

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Saturday, 22 October 2011

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There was surprise this week when the Winehouse Memorial Rehab Clinic announced that they have begun a new course for treating people for protest addiction. Although most protesters are too poor to afford the £10,000-a-go fees, there are enough wayward celebrity offspring and hippy lottery winners for the course to be turning a small profit.

I spoke exclusively to one of the patients, who would not reveal his name. He said that he had attended countless protests over the years, sometimes going on a march as many as 10 times a day. It was irrelevant what the protest was about, he said, he just enjoyed the atmosphere. He was part of a hardcore crowd who would go to every rally in town.

He marched against climate change, against terrorism, against the war on terrorism, against the lack of intervention in Libya, then against the war in Libya. He also marched against capitalism, then marched in support of small local businesses, against the G20 summit, then for the G20 to do something about the financial crisis. He told me that half the time he didn't even know what he was marching about.

"In the early 2000s it was easy," he said. "I didn't even need to make a new placard for each march, I would just carry the same 'Bush is a terrorist' poster because it usually applied no matter what the protest was trying to say. Then after Obama came in, I just crossed out the word 'Bush' and wrote 'Obama', but some people didn't like that."

He tried cutting down to just one protest a day, but it was very difficult. At one point he even wore a protest patch on his arm - a small anti-war sticker - but he said that it didn't help. It was only when he began the addiction course that he saw the error of his ways.

As part of his treatment, he is learning about the futility of protesting, and he is now starting to look back upon his time as an addict as wasted years.

It is suggested that attendees take up a more peaceful hobby at the weekends, such as painting or suicide. Sadly most of the protesters will never get to learn this, as they can't afford the rehab fees.

A protest against the high fees is planned later this week.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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