Okay, I missed on more than a few of my 2011 predictions, but came close on so many others. Again taking my cue from other media prognosticators, here are my predictions for 2012. Just like last year, my predictions are brought to you by Miss Cleo and Crandall's New and Used Crystal Balls, of Locust Ridge, Louisiana, and our new sponsor, Gorgon's House Of Backdoor Lubricants. FOR SCREEN DOOR USE ONLY.
MILEY WINS AN OSCAR. No longer wanting to be known for kiddie-fare TV and movies, Miley Cyrus will tackle the most challenging role of her young career and takes home one of the gold-plated statuettes when she earns Best Actress kudos in A Half-Pint Of Wolfschmidtt's, Please: The Dana Plato Story. The film is a shameless pimping of the life of the former Diff'rent Strokes star from her rise to celebrity to her tragic drug overdose. Plato's life is milked for much unintentional comic relief, thanks to the handlers of her estate who were willing to do anything for a few bucks-and I do mean "a few," as in "you-can-have-the-rights-to-her-story-if-you-pay- my-utility-bill-and-buy-me-a-Whopper" few.
Cyrus will be better than the material given her and will turn Plato into a sympathetic, girl-next-door type. Sadly, just as she starts being taken as a serious actress, Miley follows up this work with the lead role in a movie that will sweep the Razzies, Watch Where Your're Going, Bitch! a film about the life and times of Helena Magoo, the daughter of the 1960s visually-challenged cartoon character, Quincy Magoo.
AMY WINE HOUSE'S BIG SCORE: Amy Winehouse joins the parade of celebrity whose estates cash in after their deaths. A posthumous album takes off after MTV shows a CGI-heavy video in which Winehouse (via video clips) performs a music/rap tune with the late Biggie Smalls. Her post-mortem CD, <i>Dead and Diggin' It,</i> will sell more than ten million copies. Also trying to cash in from the great beyond will be Moammar Qadaffi, who after signing with Death Row Records, will release a rap album laden with anti-American songs: <i>Gin and Coucous</i> (a duet "performed" with a Snoop Dogg sound-alike) will be the first single released from the CD and will fall flat as young jihadists label his lyrics "lame," and one critic remarks, "I've heard better raps from a mime." American listeners will be turned off by the clash of keyboards, sitars and the overuse of cowbell.
O.J. AND FRED GOLDMAN ALSO CASH IN: O.J. Simpson, despondent at no longer being in the public eye, even for idiotic reasons, confesses to the murder of his wife and her "friend" in a tell-all book, <i>Okay, Okay, Okay! I Did It. Happy Now?</i> The books $100 price tag is considered worth it as the Juice goes into graphic detail about every aspect of the murder and his trial, including his botched attempt to seduce prosecutor Marcia Clark, and his-shall we say "involuntarily being seduced" by a younger, more muscular cellmate. The book sells five million copies and O.J. is able to pay off Fred Goldman. Meanwhile, movie rights are sold and playing Simpson will be Tony "Candyman" Todd. Filling the role of old man Goldman will be Oscar winner John Voight.
HERMAN SHOCKS THE WORLD: Taking a line from another Herman (Munster), Herman Cain shouts "I did it! I did it! I did it!" after he is handed the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination when every other Republican pulls out of the race. The reason for the mass withdrawal is President Barack Obama's economic policies will take hold and the economy shows a major recovery, and more than five million new jobs are created. Knowing their candidate will take a beating in the election, the GOP persuades Herm to be their sacrificial lamb and he gets shut out in the General Election. The GOP also loses several Congressional seats and D-list celebrities David Faustino (California) and Ozzie Canseco (Florida) win election to the U.S. House of Representatives. This comes after….
ROMNEY AND PERRY ENGAGE IN ON-AIR DUST-UP: Mitt Romney "Fed up with [Perry's] guff," swings on the Texas Governor and is promptly beaten into a dazed state during a nationally televised CNN debate. The fiasco will be triggered when Perry produces a birth certificate that proves Romney's real name is "Mittens Milhous Romney" and that he was named after his grandmother's house cat. Perry will wisecrack, "That old broad screwed you up big-time, Pardner." Romney will immediately withdraw from the race and Perry will become Herman Cain's running mate on what pundits will term "The Grumpy Old Men Tour."
NBA STANDS FOR 'NO BASKETBALL in AMERICA': THE NBA strike wipes out the entire 2011-12 schedule and many NBA stars take their talents overseas. LeBron James, the ageless Allen Iverson and Dwight Howard leads a team from Swaziland to the World Championship finals, but they fall to the German National Team, led by Dirk Nowitski and some guy named "Colonel" Wilhelm Klink III.