Funny story: Herbivore Assessment Program Makes Vegans Feel Like Shit

Herbivore Assessment Program Makes Vegans Feel Like Shit

We've all met one of those annoying, self-righteous vegans who clearly considers herself morally superior to everyone else on the planet. Well, the recently established Herbivore Assessment & Rating Program (HARP) is working to take those self-important vegans down a notch, by assessing precisely how "vegan" they really are. In calculating a person's true vegan-ness, HARP takes into account...
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Bilderberg Conference on Terrorism

This special Bilderberg Conference was held in Madrid at the request of Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy. Officiating as usual was Satan. Compere was Jimmy Savile. Musical interlude was supplied by the late Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Elvis and Sammy Davis. Drinks were served by Obama Bin Laden. Seated regally on his golden throne wearing his black silk cloak, feet on desk and fingering his mala...
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It's Pope Francis vs. the Eight Ball in a know-it-all shootout

New York City - What does Pope Francis have in common with The Magic Eight Ball? They both are infallible, possessing the magical ability of always providing the right answer at the right time. But there is one question that they haven't examined: who between the two is the smartest? The ball? Or the bishop? The Institute for the Intensely Intelligent recently conducted an Infallibility Face-...
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Funny story: We outsmart you!

We outsmart you!

Newton was sitting under an apple tree when an apple fell on his head, and he discovered the Universal Law of Gravitation. Another story: A small feather, crescent shape, was slowly descending to the ground. Amazingly, it was carrying a very small twig attached to the concave feather by some cobwebs. This could have inspired the invention of the first parachute. Another inspiring example is wa...
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Funny story: The Fool On The Phone (with apologies to the Beatles)

The Fool On The Phone (with apologies to the Beatles)

Day after day, alone with his phone The man with the foolish grin is tapping away at his keys But nobody wants to know him They can see that he's just a fool (As he taps away his soul) And the fool on the phone Sees the sun going down But the eyes in his head Are still affixed to his screen Well on the way, mind far away The man types away at his keys but has nothing to say But no...
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Pokémon: The Terrible Terrifying Truth

Another brutal day at work. Another round of layoffs hit your firm so you grudgingly accept Fate's cruel hand and settle into the humdrum monotony of missed deadlines, angry emails, and screaming bosses. You finally arrive at your sanctuary: home, a bastion of refuge against the assaulting waves of crap called life. As you kick off your shoes, the glow of a portable screen plastered to the face of...
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Whatever Happened to Punky Brewster?

Hoff here. I had a hard time deciding whether I should even bother with a subject like Television. In such cases, I just sleep on it. That usually helps. So I slept through a one-hour cop show, and two sitcoms, and decided to throw this out there. Television used to be like the friend who'd stop in for a visit every night from 7 to 10 for a chat. Sometime we'd talk about the news and sports. He...
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Funny story: How Did a Piano End up in NYC's East River?

How Did a Piano End up in NYC's East River?

it's sitting pretty, right under the Brooklyn Bridge, but nobody knows how it got there. Speculation is rampant though. Here are a few of the rumors: -- Billy Joel, The Piano Man, put it there to create publicity for his next concert. -- The ghost of Liberace is responsible. He's still looking for a candelabra to complete the picture. -- The piano may be the first piece of a huge or...
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Breaking News...

NYPD snorts of derision at latest drug story

Apparently a 'baffled' FIT student found10 pounds of coke in her luggage and voluntarily turned it in


 
Funny story: Think INSIDE the Box, An Expert Advises

Think INSIDE the Box, An Expert Advises

As Bob Dylan croons, "The Times They Are A-Changin'." For years, experts had advised thinking OUTSIDE the box. Be different and unconventional, we were told. Look in areas where no one else is looking. Find unique solutions. The problem is -- everyone who is anyone began thinking OUTSIDE the box. It's become too crowded out there. Thinking OUTSIDE the box has become the conventional,...
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Funny story: Book Review - How To Speak French: Learn French Phrases by Henri Lereau

Book Review - How To Speak French: Learn French Phrases by Henri Lereau

I have to say I am a little disappointed by this book. I spent 6 months studying the French language, going through this book meticulously, I read it chapter by chapter - probably 10 times. After 6 months my french was perfect - in fact I consider myself fluent in the language. It wasn't easy mind you; no - it was hard - but I thought it well worth the effort. Imagine then, to my horror, wh...
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Funny story: Cuckold's Cheating Wife

Cuckold's Cheating Wife

In bed, the cuckold whispers in the ear of his cold cold wife to imagine she is wearing a swirl skirt, and waiting for a passing car to give her a ride. The cuckold continues," Now, from behind a stranger approaches, and lifts up your skirt, exposing your pink lace panty; then he gently passes his tough hand way down to your crotch…" Is the cuckold trying to turn his wife on or himself? Centu...
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Funny story: ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi makes shocking confession in rogue Mosul nightclub The Burqa al-Ablah

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi makes shocking confession in rogue Mosul nightclub The Burqa al-Ablah

No sooner was I back in Baghdad from the journey to Mosul with Hillary than I got this strange call on my cell. I was at my favorite cheap digs, the Hotel Alzubra, ready to move back towards Syria, but it was Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi saying I should return north to Mosul. "If this is Warezabar," the voice said, "I have something. Urgent." "This is Pepe Warezabar." "Yes?" His English is...
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Funny story: Scamatology Leader's Missing Wife Shows Up and Beats the Living Xenu Out of Him

Scamatology Leader's Missing Wife Shows Up and Beats the Living Xenu Out of Him

The leader of Scamatology, diminutive Davy Makemerich, has been dodging questions for years about his missing wife, Smelly. At the same time that this drama has been going on, Wee Davy has been collecting money from Scamatologists for the Super Power building, which he says will give worthy cult members various super-powers--including the ability to find parking places INSTANTLY. When Davy open...
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Funny story: Conspiracy Theory Breakthrough

Conspiracy Theory Breakthrough

A new drug has been developed to combat what its manufacturers' claim is an increasing rise in what it calls "conspiracy theory syndrome". We went along to F.U. Pharamceuticals in Baltimore to interview leading research scientist there Dr. Hugh.B.Still. I asked the doctor: "Do you believe there is a need for this drug?" "Our research shows that the need is overwhelming. We see the syndrom...
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Funny story: Twelve Good Reasons to Keep Smoking

Twelve Good Reasons to Keep Smoking

From medical professionals to friends and family, armed with a stockpile of statistics, smokers are increasingly bombarded with unsolicited advice to stop smoking. And on top of that we have a plethora of new laws prohibiting smoking in public places, private places, and places where no one could breathe anyway but are deemed areas too dangerous for the release of second-hand smoke. So, to even...
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Funny story: The NeoMetro - May 2014

The NeoMetro - May 2014

Greetings and saturations to all my fellow urban blighters out there! This edition gets down to the wonderfully nitty slitty with a new brick and mortar outlet in the most graffiti-ridden burrough with items you just cannot miss! Down on the corner of 172nd and Huffslough, Dunkin' White, head of the local chapter of Decay International, has finally opened the iron bars to his little hell-spot a...
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Nate John Won
Nate John Won
Joined: 28 September 2009
Stories Written: 10

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