Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 10 September 2011

image for Young Persons' Guide To The Slutty BBC Symphony Orchestra
At the Royal Albert Hole tonight

London - Last Night of the Proms audiences were treated tonight to the sartorial shock horror of a band of scruffy, sluttish musicians conducted by Edward Gardner.

Many of the female players looked as if the idea of getting their hair done for the Beeb's annual Big Night was complete anathema to delicate artistic temperaments.

A red-haired flautist was caught on camera with a money spider crawling all over her barnet as a 30 seconds close-up shot revealed to gobsmacked TV audiences.

Still, could have been worse, could have been a cockroach, eh?

Dark hair roots and fading peroxide tresses also crowned a rather mannish-looking woodwind section whose aversion to a slick of lipstick somehow matched disastrous dentistry.

In the string section spaghetti strap gowns were complimented by hideous, visibly sturdy brassieres and NHS prescription glasses, with certain cellists resembling everybody's idea of Soviet era Olympic shot putters.

Only an elderly, violet-gowned harpisst (sic) managed to pull off the charity shop look before being upstaged by a somewhat meaty soloist called Susan Bullock (soprano) in a massive blue tent dress that at least hid the tremulous fleshy folds inside.

A rousing chorus of 'You'll Never Walk Alone' saw some of London's most corpulent footie fans vie for camera attention accompanied by the dulcet strains of the BBC Symphony Chorus.

Sir Henry Wood is probably turning in his grave at the spectacle of it all.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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