Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 9 September 2011

image for Monica Lewinsky Turns Down The Offer To Be The Official Spokesperson For Rush Limbaugh's New Line of Cigars
Monica Lewinsky is currently working as a lettuce chopper at a Burger Bandit in East Los Angeles. (Photo by Rick Chorizo).

NEW YORK CITY - There is probably no male in America who is more associated with cigars that Rush Limbaugh. The GOP talk show mouthpiece can usually be seen with a big 12-incher hanging from his mouth.

Limbaugh scoffs at those political pundits who make jokes about his cigar chomping by saying that there is definitely some deep rooted, underlying, unnatural suppressed tendency that would cause a supposedly mature man to walk around with a foot-long cigar dangling out of his mouth.

The Delaware Organization of Elderly GOP Females has gone on record as saying that Mr. Limbaugh looks positively ridiculous and that he is only helping to encourage and perpetuate the stereotype that Republican males who smoke cigars that are 10 inches in length or longer are sending off the wrong type of message, a message which could be deemed to be somewhat quasi-perverted.

Lola "Big Bloomers" Quackerhouse, 73, vice-president of The Delaware Organization of Elderly GOP Females stated that if Mr. Limbaugh is going to insist of putting a cigar in his mouth then instead of smoking one that looks like a great, big, old (EXPLETIVE DELETED) that he should at least downsize to a Tiparillo or perhaps to Swisher Sweets.

When "El Chubbo" Limbaugh was told of Ms. Quackerhouse's remarks he took the foot-long bearded clam tickling thing out of his mouth and replied that Ms. Quackerhouse and her band of blue-haired, bunco-addicted, busy bodies could line up single file and kiss his big, gigantic, GOP butt at the more-than-reasonable price of $7 per kiss.

Amos Soursuckle of GOPicky Magazine mentioned to Limbaugh that he had heard that Monica Lewinsky had been asked by his cigar company to be the official spokesperson.

Limbaugh stated that it was in fact true that the Lewinsky woman (as he called her) had been approached about being the spokesperson for his brand new Limbaugh's Foot-Long Cigars but that she had turned the offer down.

The political talk show host became very upset and remarked that he did not appreciate that Lewinsky woman rejecting his more than generous offer. He noted that after becoming the most famous intern in White House history that she soon virtually disappeared from the limelight.

He went on to say that the only reason he had offered her the spokespersons position in the first place was because he felt sorry for her when he read in The Cucamonga Chit-Chat Chronicle that she was working as a lettuce chopper at a local Burger Bandit in East Los Angeles.

GOPicky is reporting that Limbaugh's company has already contacted Lindsay Lohan about becoming the official spokesperson for Limbaugh's Foot-Long Cigars and that Miss Lohan has reportedly said that she will give it some serious consideration.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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