Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 10 September 2011

image for Shakira Says She'd Like For Lys Agnes of America's Got Talent To Be Her Opening Act on Her Upcoming "Hips Across America Concert Tour"
Shakira shown relaxing at The Hotel Ooh La La in New Orleans. (Photo courtesy of Harry Connick, Jr.).

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Shakira, AKA "The Colombian Firecracker" is getting ready to go on her Hips Across America Concert Tour and she recently stated that her opening act Kings of Leon has cancelled due to the lead singer's ongoing wisdom tooth problem [WINK-WINK].

Shakira's management team was quite concerned but she informed them that she was recently watching an episode of America's Got Talent and she saw a singer who she really thinks has what it takes to be a success.

Lys, whose name is pronounced [LEES] was totally devastated when she was told that her journey had ended by the AGT Host Nick "The Hockey Stick" Cannon.

Miss Agnes cried uncontrollably for having deviated from her beautiful operatic voice and instead switching over to a deep, resonating voice that made her sound like Cher but only much more masculine.

Judge Sharon "Da-Ling" Osbourne said that she did not even recognize her hair or her voice and remarked than it sounded horribly low.

Howie "The Germ Freak" Mandel said that he closed his eyes and he actually thought that Cher was standing in front of him, which literally scared the heck out of him since he is allergic to wrinkled tattoos.

And Piers "The Pompous Prince" Morgan simply said that he felt cheated because they had helped to put through a great sexy singer with a fantastic operatic voice and now she had turned herself into a clearance bin version of Cher, or a third-rate Madonna with a sore throat.

Lys cried and said that she was sorry and she blamed it all on Kanye West who had called her last week and suggested that she sing something other than an opera song.

Agnes confessed to Nick that West had told her that he would make her famous if she would just be willing to participate in a little horizontal hula.

But now, that is all dirty water under the bridge as Lys Agnes will be going on tour as the opening act with one of the sexiest singing dancers in the business; the 124 mile per hour hip-shaking Shakira.

SIDENOTE: Lys Agnes spoke with The Tinsel Town Times Tribune and said that Charlie Sheen who had been bothering her has now stopped and she wanted to express her thanks to the Sherman Oaks Sheriff's Department, the LAPD, and to Habanero Bamfickle, Jr., the Director of Security for the Sepulveda Basin Recreational Area for making that happen.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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