Written by churchmouse
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Thursday, 8 September 2011

image for Keith Chegwin Voted Trouser Wearer of The Year
I'ts good, but it's not the answer

A crowd of more than 20 people turned up at Trouser World in South Benfleet yesterday to see 70's television celebrity Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin receive the prestigious title of 'Trouser Wearer of The Year 2011.

A delighted Keith told us:

"It's brill tha'. I always knew that one day my trouser wearing expertise would pay off.

' They used to laugh at me on Multi-Coloured Swap-Shop, when I turned up wearing a pair of bright yellow flares. "Trousers are out!" they would chant. "Get yourself a rainbow coloured tank-top, or a purple shirt with a ludicrously wide collar, you little fat Scouse buffoon" they would say. But I never wavered from trousers. I'd wear a different pair everyday come rain or shine. Putting on a pair of trousers first thing in the morning came to feel like the most natural thing in the world to do.

'And where are they now eh? Those Swap-Shop lightweights. Maggie Filbin hasn't been seen for years, not since she filed for divorce and fled the country. And that bearded twat, Edmunds is reduced to answering the phone on that 'Deal or No Deal' bollocks, while I'm now trouser wearer of the year!"

Clutching his award of a signed certificate from Mr Ahmid Ali, Area Manager of Trouser World (importers) Ltd, Cheggers went on to say:

"30 years. 30 fucking years! I've waited for this. I could have been a major player in light entertainment you know, but I sacrificed it all for my principles, and there's not many that can say that.

'I was offered 'Catchphrase'. First on the list I was. 150 grand a year, a dolly-bird and a free haircut every week, but I wouldn't sign the contract. Not unless they removed the line 'Clothing at the director's discretion'. They begged me to sign, but I stood up for what I believed in. I know those directors. It would have started with a pair of tailored polyester slacks and ended up with crotchless leather shorts. 'Don't worry' they said. 'It's not like that'. But I know better. Why do you think that thick Irish fucker they got to do the show stands behind a lectern all the time?

"Still now that I've been voted 'Trouser Wearer of The Year', there'll be no stopping me. That twat who plays Dr Who must be shitting himself!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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