Written by Nash D. Plott
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Sunday, 4 September 2011

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CHICAGO - Rock singer Ozzie Ozbourne decided to trump his own former accomplishments in animal abuse by appearing on stage naked and proceeding to bite the head off a live walrus. The act took four hours, witnessed by a mixture of cheering fans, outraged animal rights activists, and sickened members of the audience who had no idea that something so obscenely horrifying could or would ever be done on stage.

Already famous for his role as lead singer for Black Sabbath, Ozbourne gained notoriety in 1982 for biting the head off a live bat. While Ozbourne went on to release several successful albums and to win a variety of awards, he never quite managed to surpass the fame associated with the bat incident. In recent years his accomplishments have dwindled, including such paltry offerings as "The Ozbournes" in which he looks rather more like a tired washout than a hard rock legend. More recently he has been eclipsed by his wife Sharon, who has achieved some recognition for her role on the television show "America's Got Talent" (sic)

Apparently the Oz felt that he has something yet to prove. The idea for the walrus stunt came in 2008 when Oz was watching a show on the plight of the polar bear. "&@^#! the polar bears", said Oz, "and for that matter &@^#! the walruses and the penguins while you're at it. If I had a walrus I would &@^#! it on stage. As a matter of fact I think I should." Upon having it explained to him that &@^#!-ing a walrus on stage would probably be criminal and probably not mechanically possible, Oz decided to attempt to recreate his old success and bite the animal's head off.

The spectacle occurred in Chicago's Metro concert hall on August 12, 2011. Fans were surprised when after the mid-concert intermission the lights came on to reveal a rather large male walrus on the stage. According to eyewitness reports Ozzy appeared on stage completely naked, rushed the walrus, and buried his teeth in its' neck. "Then all hell broke loose," described one bystander. "Oz was on the walrus' back with his legs wrapped around its neck and his hands clasping its tusks, madly gnawing on it and looking very much like an out of shape 64-year-old blood-soaked version of that Gollum thing from Lord of the Rings. The walrus was bellowing, people were screaming and vomiting all over the floor and all over each other. It was just like the good old days!"

It took four hours for Ozbourne to completely remove the head from the walrus using nothing but his teeth and fingernails. Triumphant, he rolled the head offstage to the approximately 150 remaining bystanders and police officers before collapsing in exhaustion and being carried away to face charges of public obscenity, animal cruelty and trafficking in endangered species.

Interviewed after the incident, Ozbourne was unrepentant. "Face it, the thing was too &@^#! ugly to live". Asked if he would ever repeat the incident the Oz replied, "I doubt it. I have said everything that I needed to say about global warming."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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