Written by Nash D. Plott
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Thursday, 1 September 2011

An ABC spokesperson has declared that Chaz Bono will not in fact be participating in Dancing with the Stars this season, and that he will be replaced by famed physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking.

The decision represents a significant reversal that some view as a setback for the GLBT community. When asked why Bono will not be participating ABC commented, "It was a mutually agreeable decision. We wish Mr/Ms/The Bono well in whatever he/she/it decides to do". Word on the street suggests a less amicable parting, after Chaz tastelessly attempted to motorboat his/her/its partner Kym Johnson during the first practice.

Stephen Hawking is well known for his book A Brief History of Time, as well as for his struggle with motor neuron disease that has left him permanently and almost totally paralyzed. When asked how he intended to participate in what is essentially a physical competition he responded, "People thought the same thing about Marlee Matlin when she participated as a deaf contestant, then laughed again when Heather Mills participated with one leg and a half-malformed personality. Nobody was laughing by the time that they left. I may similarly surprise you."

When asked where he got the idea to participate in Dancing with the Stars, Hawking said "I got the idea when I saw Artie Abrams on Glee". It was a fortunate coincidence. I do not usually watch Glee but my nurse took her lunch break and I could not change the channel".

What does Hawking expect to get from his participation in Dancing with the Stars? "I would like to say that I had some noble vision of promoting the ability of handicapped persons to do anything," says Hawking, "but in fact it would not be the truth. I am actually hoping that I get a chance to motorboat Kym Johnson".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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