Written by padddy5
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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

The American Association of Archaeologists has issued a statement to counteract what it calls "vicious lies and fallacies" about their work.

James Tukinluk, the head of the AAA, maintains from his post at Berkeley that "movies like Indiana Jones, and to a much lesser extent the Mummy series, give the impression that our line of work is a dangerous and exciting one, one where you get to fight Nazis and kill mummified pharaohs and the like, but the truth is far less interesting."

"Ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent of our work involves crawling on your hands and knees with a toothbrush and spoon digging holes, looking for what is essentially a tiny bit of buried evidence, useless on its own, and filling in forms, reports and giving lectures on said trinkets when they are found."

"Video games also give a very poor impression of us. While it is mandatory for all females in our field to have massive breasts (for morale reasons), most of us only have to kill less than 10 tigers a year while out in the field, and only one Tyrannosaurus a year, if we're lucky. All this nonsense about saving the world by stopping Ra or keeping the Ark out of the Nazis' hands is ludicrous."

"The most exciting things in this line of work are the small victories. To give an example, last year me and my assistant Lorna Kelby had to get our hands on the Spear of Destiny before Osama Bin Laden did, or he'd be able to raise an army of undead super-soldiers to take over the world. I only got into one truck/ motorcycle race along twisty Pakistani mountainside highways. The amount of terrorists I killed was much less than 5, and the most exciting of them was when I inserted my tiny toothbrush into a terrorist's mouth, causing him to reflexively start brushing, making him fall under the slats of the collapsing wooden bridge we were on into the path of an oncoming steam train. I don't see how anyone could think the life of an archaeologist is one of exciting adventure."

"Lorna, of course, revealed herself to be a double agent, which was pretty exciting I guess. The abseiling down the side of the Empire State Building was a little too, I admit. But for every minute I spent protecting the foundation of our universe, I spent at least 80,000 filling in forms about the dead terrorists, writing reports about my next lead, brushing away at tiny rocks to get at an ancient tooth or hairbrush within. These were, to me, the most interesting parts."

Mr. Tukinluk wrapped up the interview by putting on a fedora, wrapping a whip around an overhanging light fixture, pulling it down onto some terrorists while swinging out of a window onto a waiting motorbike which he drove up the side of the Golden Gate Bridge, latching onto a helicopter which he commandeered and flew to the Transamerica Pyramid, whereupon he parachuted out and landed in a convertible which he used to smash through the doors of the building, blew open the floor using some C4 and had a fierce hand-to-hand battle with Colonel Gaddafi to stop him getting his hands on St. Patrick's Staff and rise an army of snakes to destroy San Francisco.

Harrison Ford was unavailable for comment, and surprisingly grumpy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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