Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 19 September 2011

image for Rob Pattinson Confesses That Kristen Stewart Is A Sure-Fire Cure For The Summertime Blues
A beach chair sitting in front of Rob Pattinson's Vampire Villa Beach House on Malibu Beach.

MALIBU BEACH - The star of the Twilight series movies Rob Pattinson was sitting on the beach in front of his Vampire Villa Beach House when he was spotted by an entertainment media reporter.

RPattz has always been noted for being very cordial to the members of the Tinsel Town press corps who say that he is one of the nicest and most accessible actors in the business.

They say that he is nothing like that mean, bitter, aged, actor Tommy Lee Jones who has been known to scream and holler at people who merely say hello to him or that former movie star Billy Bob Thornton who once allegedly bit down on a woman's elbow after she had just simply asked him for his autograph.

The woman known as Sister Fifi of the Good Convent of The Habitual Happy Habitat in Boston sued the immature thespian and was reportedly awarded a settlement of $2.3 million which she was 'asked' to donate by the priest of her church to the church's bingo fund.

Ersatz Pontoon with Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres sat down on a beach chair and spoke with Pattinson.

He asked RPattz how things had gone on the movie set of his latest film The Vampire Diaries - The Erotically Titillating Movie, in which he co-starred with Nina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder, and Sofia Vergara.

Rob smiled and said that working with Dobrev and Somerhalder was an honor and that the three learned that they all cannot stand Kathie Lee Gifford, Sean Penn, or Cindy Handler.

RPattz remarked that working with Vergara was wonderfully exciting as he pointed out that the Colombian sexpot, who is one of the stars of the number one rated sit-com Modern Family, has one of the best looking bodies he has ever seen.

Pattinson said that with Vergara all of the parts look exactly like they were manufactured to order and to the average males 'perfect woman' specifications.

He was asked about the rumors that he and Sofia had been involved in a bit of mattress merriment. Rob smiled as he looked out toward the beach and wondered aloud where exactly the waves come from.

Pontoon remarked that they came from the ocean and he repeated his question. Pattinson then asked if he had ever heard of a jamfish. Pontoon replied that that he knew he was just making fun of jellyfish to avoid the question.

The reporter then asked about the fact that his Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart had written a song about him and her relationship. RPattz replied that she certainly had and that the song titled "The Ballad of RPattz and K-Stew" was currently the number one song in Wales, Portugal, Sri Lanka, and Milwaukee.

Rob smiled as he revealed to Pontoon that he and Kris love doing simple things together.

"Such as what?" A curious Pontoon asked.

RPattz told him that the couple has visited Tarzana's Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo a total of three times and they absolutely love it. He even confessed that he and Kris each have their own particular favorite animal to pet. His is Chucky the Chicken and hers is Ramon the Neutered Rabbit.

Pontoon then asked him about the rumors that he and K-Stew had been seen down on Redondo Beach skinny dipping.

Rob blushed and said that he and Kris had denied the rumors when they both appeared on Late Night With David Letterman and that he did not really care go into it again.

After Pontoon pressed him some more Pattinson finally admitted that the two had been skinny dipping when they visited Cabo San Lucas a few weeks ago but quickly added that it was nighttime and there was no moon out that night.

RPattz grinned from ear-to-ear as he admitted to Pontoon that Kristen is without a doubt one sure-fire cure for the summertime blues.

Tinsel Town Tidbit: A spokesperson for the new ABC show Pan-Am, which deals with the famous airline and which is set in the 60s says that some of the scenes are having to be re-shot because the writers wrote some scenes that included passenger TSA Pat Downs which only came into existence last year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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