Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

image for Dancing With The Stars Announces The 12 Celebrities For Season 13
Chaz Bono shown before he shaved his moustache. (Photo courtesy of Cher).

HOLLYWOOD - The twelve contestants who will be appearing on season 13 of Dancing With The Stars have been announced and most are not exactly household names.

DWTS Producer Bernadette Penderlicki stated that it is getting harder and harder to get celebrities to commit to the show after seeing the likes of Bristol Palin and Kate Gosselin appear on the show and receive votes based solely on their popularity.

Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk stated that in the case of Bristol "The Pistol" Palin who actually placed 3rd it was widely known that the only reason she made it that far was because her mommy Sarah "Snowflake" Palin allegedly paid the members of her Tea Bag Party 50 cents for each vote that they cast for Bristy.

The sad part about that was that poor, little, naive Bristol actually thought that she was good but truth be told Bristol was about as graceful as an inebriated kangaroo trying to do jumping jacks on an iceberg.

Chipotle added that Kate Gosselin danced every dance as if she'd just had an epidural shot.

So this year's new crop of hopeful quasi's includes Ron Artest, who is now legally known as Metta World Peace; Cher's daughter/son the transgendered Chaz Bono who is the former Chastity Bono; Elisabetta Canalis, the sensuously sexy ex-girlfriend of George Clooney; and another erotically titillating ex-girlfriend Kristin Cavallari, who was recently dumped by Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler for what better be a damn good reason or else Jay's gender orientation will certainly be questioned by every opposing NFL pass rusher.

Also strutting their stuff on the DWTS dance floor will be legal analyst Nancy Grace who loves to argue even more than she loves eating donuts, cupcakes, and muffins; Ricki Lake who lost 195 pounds on the Shut My Mouth Diet; and Carson Kressley the effeminate fashion guru who should get some excellent marks from the Gaytalian Judge Bruno Tonioli.

Rounding out the Season 13 group of dancing wannabes is Chynna Phillips the extremely good-looking daughter of John and Michelle of the 60s icon folk group the Mamas & The Papas; David Arquette AKA The "King of Scream"; Hope "Soccer Girl" Solo who no one really knows except for her family, teammates, and soccer fans; J.R. "Soap Opera" Martinez; and Rob Kardashian, the brother of the most famous sisters in America today, the big butted Kardashian sisters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.

In a related story. Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was rumored to have been a part of season 13 of Dancing With The Stars but had to decline since she is much too busy trying to keep President Obama from selling her state to one of the Mexican drug cartels.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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