WORLDWIDE - The Worldwide Institute of Deludeds Exposing Conspiracies, Uniting Nationally and Trekkies (WIDECUNTs) has issued a formal statement calling for the impeachment of Wikileaks found Julian Assange for crimes against their community.
"All we get are stuff we already know." says super-obese Jack Willis, 23, of London. "Stupid stuff about America pressuring countries to accept a military base or missiles or something. I mean, who cares?"
Jack's Call of Duty playmate Robert Holden of New York had similar views to give over his wireless headset. "This Assange guy claims to have gotten these leaks from US Embassies, but the US doesn't have any overseas embassies since the Venusian/Martian destruction of Tunguska made them too dangerous! He's obviously a plant to discredit our community!"
The heir to the WIDECUNTs throne and leader of the entire WIDECUNTs community Bob Page was in agreement:
"There was a huge build-up to these so-called "leaks" and I am not surprised many of our members are furious. We know about the aliens at Roswell, about JFK's assassination, about 9/11. We even know about the trace amounts of digitalis the Men in Black put in Doritos to kill you if you eat 8 packs a day for 30 years, but which has all the symptoms of a heart attack. I was there! I saw the lab reports!"
Mr. Page started mumbling about "sparkly elves living in his ear" for a little while, before becoming lucid once more after taking some "sugar coated treats":
"The Majestic-12, the Illuminati and the Knights Templar are in constant battle for control of the world's media. Julian Assange looks a lot like that monk guy in The Da Vinci Code, so he's definitely one of the Knights Templar. We have to do what we can to oust him and his Jovian overseers.
"I'm not surprised they're trying to discredit us. We're so close to the truth about Area 51 being where they keep the holograms of Saddam Hussein and Gaddafi to give them an excuse to invade and steal the crystals of Ju'Thar Bak'Lahar, the seventh incarnation of the demon Hoy'vey'istme. It's so obvious, when you think about it."
Julian Assange declined comment, as did the two odd looking fellows in black suits who followed us for a couple of days afterwards.