Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 29 August 2011

image for Britney Spears Rejects Lady Gaga's Alter-Ego Joe Calderone
Britney Spears says that Joe Calderone scared her. (Photo courtesy of Justin Bieber).

HOLLYWOOD - Britney Spears said she was thrilled beyond belief to receive The Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award at The 28th Annual MTV Music Video Awards Show.

But the blonde "Oops I Did It Again" girl did confess to Pia Confetti of The El Lay Informer that she was extremely nervous and actually scared standing up on stage next to Joe Calderone, Lady Gaga's alter-ego.

Spears said that as far as she was concerned Joe was not Gaga. She remarked that Joe is one of the strangest 'guys' that she has ever been around and is exactly the type of male that her mother always warned her about.

Britney also noted that Joe's cigarette stench was almost unbearable. She later revealed to Pia Confetti that when she got home she ended up having to take two showers to get the rancid, stale smell out of her hair.

She said that the cigarette smell was even on her clothes, her jewelry, her bra, and her pink Sunday string bikini panties.

Confetti asked Spears what she thought when Joe was eyeing her up and down in front of millions of TV viewers in hopes of planting a big old lip lock on her.

Britney blushed and said that she felt like pushing him away but she was afraid that she would have probably gotten her hand full of the axle grease that Calderone had all over his hair. She did point out that Joe smelled highly of some kind of alcoholic drink.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Joe Calderone had been drinking Jack Daniels from a bottle that Kanye West had hidden underneath his front row seat at the Nokia Theater.]

Britney said that when she and Joe went backstage that Joe, who never broke character, became extremely angry that she had spurned his advances and did not go along with the planned mouth-to-mouth kiss.

Spears later confided to Confetti that the incident brought back some traumatic memories from The 2003 MTV Music Video Awards Show.

During that show Madonna had taken advantage of (Britney's) naive youthfulness and grabbed her, twisted both of her nipples in a counter clockwise motion, kissed her on the lips, and put her tongue down her throat savagely bruising both her tonsils and actually knocking the left one loose.

Confetti noted that Spears told her that she has only recently managed to get over that tremendously traumatizing incident which caused her to have nightmares every time she would hear the songs "Like A Virgin," "Material Girl," or "Don't Cry For Me Argentina."

The El Lay Informer is reporting that Britney Spears has contacted the LAPD about possibly putting a restraining order on Joe Calderone if he persists in trying to forcibly kiss her.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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