Written by Jason Safoutin
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Topics: Police, Manhattan

Saturday, 24 December 2005

image for Joan Rivers Found Dead In Her Kitchen.
This is the most recent photo of Joan Rivers taken on December 22. As you can see, plastic surgery has taken its toll.

Manhattan NY (AP) - Police and EMT's were called to Joan Rivers's Home in Manhattan. A frantic Melissa Rivers, Joan's daughter, called 911 yelling "Oh my God I think she's dead! Someone come help me! Oh my God!"

When police arrived on the scene, a crowd had already began to gather outside due to the yelling and screaming that Melissa had been doing. The media was just arriving and the police had not yet secured the scene when Melissa came storming out of the house.

When the police and EMT's entered Ms. Rivers's home they found her on the kitchen floor. The scene was a grousome one and several officers had to leave the room due to the intensity of the scene. Because of the intense nature of the scene, the police decided to call it a crime scene until more evidence could be gathered.

Medical examiners and CSI's cleared the scene and determined that it was NOT a homicide, allowing the EMT's to begin the process of removing the body from the scene.

Investigators would not comment on the cause of death nor the condition of the body, as it was found, until a full autopy was performed.

Upon arriving, Joan was immediately taken into the morgue where the autopsy was performed. "It appears that cooking a Turkey, and using the microwave, and combined with the heat of the blowing furnace, proved to be too much for Joan's body to hadle. Essentially, she melted.", said the medical examiner. He then went on to say "with all the plastic surgery she had, all the heat just made her melt into a pile of a wax like ooze."

It is rumored that Ms. Rivers has had more than 64 plastic surgery operations, most which took place from her head to her waist.

Melissa denies these claims saying "she has only had about 34 operations."

But the Associated Press has learned, from sources that do not wish to be named, say Joan "has had over one thousand operations and are suprised she lasted this long."

Joan rivers started her career as an actress. She than became a stand-up comedian preforming on TV and in Las Vegas. She also had a small part in the 1969 film Swimmer with Burt Lancaster. In the 1980's her husband committed suicide and her TV show had been cancelled. Joan was born in Brooklyn N.Y. and was 72 years old.

Long time friend Cher called the AP in tears over the death of Joan Rivers. "I have had more plastic surgery than she did...am I next?" Cher said. She hung up quickly but before doing so, reporters could hear in the background, what sounded like someone taking a drink out of a large liqour bottle. Then the line went dead.

Funeral arrangements have not yet been made but Melissa was quoted as saying "It will surely be a closed caskit service."

Joan Rivers's fan-club of not more than 13 people, will hold a memorial service for Joan at the Las Vegas Hilton.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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