Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 29 August 2011

image for The 2011 MTV Music Video Awards Show - The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
Taylor Swift did not receive an MTV Moonman Award.

LOS ANGELES - It was a night filled with lots of bling-bling, lip syncing, and more bleeps than Lindsay Lohan has freckles.

The 28th Annual MTV Music Video Awards Show, took place at the Nokia Theater and was hostless. Beyonce showed her tummy, Lady Gaga showed her alter-ego, and Kanye West showed that he has finally gotten with the program as he kept a relatively low profile.

The surprise of the evening was Lady Gaga who did not show up dressed as an ostrich egg, or a Filet Mignon, or even a Cobb Salad. Lady Gaga instead was dressed as her male alter-ego Joe Calderone, who looked a lot like the original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, except for the fact that she/he was smoking non-stop.

In fact stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree, who was a guest reporter for The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle, said that there was so much second-hand smoke coming from Joe's cigarettes that even the patrons sitting in the Pizza Gal Restaurant located across the street from the theater were coughing.

Calderone did accept two Moonman awards for Lady Gaga including Best Female Video and Best Video With A Message for the song "Born This Way."

Justin Bieber received The Best Male Video Award for his song "U Smile" along with the award for having the brightest colored pants in the entire theater (red).

The Best New Artist Award went to Tyler, The Creator who broke the record for having the most bleeps in his acceptance speech. The only words that came out of his mouth that were not bleeped were "Yo, basketball, Ke$ha, and Wyoming."

Katy Perry (Mrs. Russell "Leather Britches" Brand) won a Moonman for Video of The Year for her song "Firework." She also received the honors for having the weirdest looking hat which was a big yellow block of wood that she said was courtesy of Hurricane Irene.

When Zydeco Dupree first saw her he turned to Selena Gomez and asked "Yo Sel, does Katy not have a friggin mirror or what?"

Joe Calderone presented The Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award to Britney "The Lip Syncer" Spears. Joe was certainly giving the naive blonde the up and down thrice over which visibly made Britney uncomfortable.

Joe wanted to kiss Spears so bad he could taste it (no pun intended) but one could tell that "Blondie" was turned off by the cigarette stench, the body sweat, and the extremely strong smell of Jack Daniels.

Spears later said backstage that the incident brought back some horrible memories from her 2003 appearance when the former singer Madonna took advantage of her youthfulness and forcibly gave her a French kiss.

Britney did confess that it has taken eight years and hundreds of hours of therapy and about $47,000 but she has finally gotten over the traumatic incident.

Chris Brown, Rihanna's ex-mean boyfriend, did a dance routine that had him flying all over the stage and the audience with the aid of wires. Dupree remarked to Justin Bieber that Miss Chris (sic) kind of looked like a black Clark Kent dressed in house painter's white overalls.

Katy Perry received her Moonman for Best Visual Effects for her song "E.T." which featured Kanye "The Pest" West. Kanye stood beside her at the podium with his arms crossed. Everyone could clearly see that he did not want to take a chance on uncontrollably reaching out and taking the microphone from her hand.

Perry made it a point to let West know that if he even thought about taking the mic from her that her husband Russel Brand would run up on stage and mop the floor with him.

Zydeco Dupree turned to Demi Lovato and told her that he was kind of hoping that Kanye would have taken the microphone away from Katy.

And Beyonce, who was wearing one of Elton John's old purple sequined jackets sang "Love On Top" and afterwards she raised up her jacket and blouse and showed her belly button rubbing it as if it was a genie's lamp and showing everyone that she is in fact seven weeks pregnant.

Cloris Leachman, who is 98, shared the stage with the guidettes from The Jersey Shore and handed out the Best Female Video Award. Dupree turned to Tony Bennett and remarked that Cloris looked like she had been hitting the bottle as she almost slipped on some of Joe Calderone's hair grease, but luckily she was caught by two of the bargain basement versions of the Kardashians.

After the show Russell Brand went up to the very talented singer Adele and apologized for saying that he thought she kind of looked a little like Wynonna Judd except with short hair.

Make Abel Rodriguez's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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