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Saturday, 27 August 2011

image for Amy Winehouse Brought Back to Life By Crack Pipe - Police Warn Over Superhuman Crack Zombie Epidemic in London inc. Karl Marx & Queen Victoria

Spoof news sites are being condemned and politicians are calling for an investigation after a recent fake story inspired a bunch of bored crack addicts to successfully bring Amy Winehouse back to life, which has baffled scientists and experts. Police have warned that this new lethal Winehouse will stop at nothing to get her hands on the drug that brought her back to life, crack. Worryingly copy cat incidents have occurred at other cemeteries and there are rumours of historical figures prowling the back streets of London demanding crack.

The re-emergence of the dead singer is even more confusing and macabre, since Winehouse was cremated and her ashes were scattered with her late grandmother. This incident could have been lifted straight from a Sinbad film say bloggers in Hollywood.

How did this all happen? A group of bored addicts broke into the North London cemetery where Winehouse is buried, spent a few hours blowing crack smoke over her grave before police arrived and arrested them for breaking and entering. The police dismissed their story as drug addled stupidity and thought nothing more of it.

Two days later Winehouse's old dealer, Tony, who since her death had decided to train to be a priest, heard furious banging at his door whilst he was holding a bible reading. To his horror, at the door was a muddy and ashen Winehouse, wearing some granny's clothes, cackling like an old woman, and demanding his hardest drugs. He slammed the door on her hand in shock and got on his knees to ask him upstairs for forgiveness and take away this nightmare. It was like a scene from Evil Dead, said a witness as her hand dropped off still holding a cigarette, and ran after her former dealer.

Tony's guests at the bible study barricaded themselves in the living room praying for their salvation. The severed hand of Winehouse went to the kitchen looking for vodka whilst the main part of Winehouse smashed through the front door.

He pleaded for Winehouse to leave him alone and that he hadn't meant to feed her crack habit or to say to the media that she had bought drugs from him the night she died. Tony study group saw Winehouse, who realised there was no drugs in the property, pushing Tony into the garden, set him alight and inhaling the fumes.

By the time the police arrived Winehouse had long gone. The police refused to believe their story of the group and this delayed the search for Winehouse until video footage appeared online of her attacking staff at her favourite pub, the Hawley Arm's, where she smashed up the bar for refusing to give her free vodka and then started to sing. Her voice was so grating, drinkers who were busy videoing all this on the phones collapsed as their brains oozed out of their ears.

Crack dens across the capital have been put on heightened alert, after Winehouse left a trail of death and destruction at a place in Camden, where she managed to smoke all their supplies in one sitting. She was later spotted at London's biggest street party the Notting Hill Carnival where revellers thought it was someone in fancy dress.

Latest reports are that Winehouse is now not operating alone and has been joined by a gang who people are not sure if they are the dead brought back to life, or crack heads who feel sympathetic to her cause.

A terrified Kate Moss, British supermodel, recalls how she heard noises downstairs in her mansion whilst she was upstairs ironing. Inspecting the noise she found her man mountain bodyguard knocked out in her hallway, with a severed hand slapping him repeatedly around the face. In the kitchen Winehouse was drinking her bar dry, with some other ghoulish looking figures. They refused to leave until Moss gave her all her drugs she had but Moss told her had put her wild party days behind her. A struggle took place in which Winehouse snapped off Kate's ironing arm and tried to smoke it, to see if she could get another hit but realised Moss was true to her word and had been clean for a while. Moss' model agency has already announced she has been dropped due to losing a limb.

As she does not need to sleep, Winehouse has a stamina and appetite that could see all of London's drug stock disappear in days. Police have warned that under no circumstance must this new Winehouse be approached or worse, asked to sing as her voice can kill. Feeling that the safety of the public comes first, police have sanctioned a shoot to kill policy but due to her ever increasing strength this may only work if she runs out of drugs.

Celebrity party animals have been advised to leave some drugs in their house at all times, in case Winehouse appears, otherwise they could face similar gruesome attacks.

Other members of the public have come out in support and said they will do anything to hide Winehouse, not wanting to lose their hero a second time. Others have experimented to see if this will work with other dead people.

Reports have emerged of disturbances in leafy Hampstead village after historical looking figures, one of whom looked like Karl Marx were holding books and shouting 'down with the bourgeoisie, give us some crack' ran out of Highgate Cemetery but have yet to be corroborated. Tremors have been felt in the ground at Blackheath the site of mass graves from the black plague. Further west, in the grounds of historic Windsor Castle, a plump looking lady attacked a group of Japanese tourists, who tried to take pictures of her thinking she was an actress employed at the castle, the images show she looked like Queen Victoria. She has since been seen rampaging in a Windsor crack house. Can all these be linked back to this new crack epidemic?

Scientists are busy studying how crack has brought addicts and no addicts back to life and to search for an antidote, as the situation is set to worsen.

Reports in America have reported of break in at celebrity cemeteries and copy cat attempts.

The Prime Minister has asked for calm and for people to stay indoors and the Queen is deeply disturbed by her ancestor Victoria running amok, but is also worried if that bloody troublesome Diana decides to pop up again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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