Written by Rebel Not Taken
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Saturday, 20 August 2011

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The Decline Of The Worthing Empire.

Soixante Neuf Films is promising "new birds and blokes" in it's latest reality programme The Only Way Is Worthing.

A host of glamorous locations have been lined up, including the Worthing Pavilion Bowls Club, where 93 year old Doris Slapper, a regular lad's mag cover girl, has al fresco sex with viagra popping allotment holder Cyril Dither.

This hot under the collar scene follows a lover's tiff where Doris calls Cyril "a daft nit." Sticks of Mr Dither's home grown rhubarb and other sex toys are used in this erotic depiction of everyday Worthing.

Other steamy venues include the Seaview Guest House, with panoramic views of West Pier, where Bingo caller Arthur Cock, 69, a cheeky chappie if ever there was one, gets webbed up in a drawn out menage a trois with two fat ladies.

One of the obese women, retired cinema usherette, 88 year old Rita Plebb, claims to have acute angina and is hoping to pursue a modelling career after the show.

The other fatty, Edna Drivel 77, is a playboy bunny and single mother who describes herself as "a typical Worthing Girl who goes like the clappers."

Another controversial episode tackles the harrowing subject of necrophilia and stars Ex Womens Insitute Director Marjorie Fosdyke-Spratt, who despite being dead, is still a feisty redhead aged 103.

Miss Fosdyke-Spratt's 'partner', fit Worthing nightclub bouncer Sir Humphrey Nonce QC 94, bombs round town in a nearly new £750 black mobility scooter and boasts on his Facebook page that he has "the physique of an Anglepoise lamp."

Losing yellowing underwear in self service launderettes, having it off in Stannah stairlifts and sorting out cardigans in soon to close charity shops are just some of the other mouth watering tasks the pensioners will have to perform.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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