Written by NerdInBriefs
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Friday, 19 August 2011

Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie has surprised the world after agreeing to add a British child to her rainbow nation family. She began collecting poor children as souvenirs on her film projects, after she worked on Tomb Raider and fell in love with the cuddliness of street children. Louis Vuitton was recently confirmed as the official sponsor of her adoptions in a $10 million dollar deal. However violent riots have broken out across Asia and Africa, with people burning effigies of Jolie who they feel has turned her back on their plight.

Jolie is currently in London where her husband Brad Pitt is filming his new project. According to a mole on the film set he has joked, "not another kid, jeez why can't she have a handbag addiction like normal women."

The decision to adopt came after Jolie renovated her house in LA and realised that the new colour scheme would work perfectly with a pasty English complexion. It is believed Jolie was originally looking for an English rose type from an aristocratic family who have fallen on hard times in the global crisis. She had been scanning pictures and video footage from the royal wedding and had been in discussion with various families, including the Wessex's.

Following the disturbance in the UK her focus has shifted to the inner cities and those more downtrodden. To make this process as fair as possible an open casting will be held at various stadiums across the country during the last week of August. Free DVD copies of The Tourist, taken from Jolie's personal collection she bought after the film flopped, will be given to the first 100 who arrive, along with a picture opportunity with a cardboard cut out of Jolie feeding starving children in some dusty country. There will also be an exclusive screening of clips from her forthcoming DVD, Hollywood Parenting Tips for the Utterly Destitute.

The family is hoping to make a decision by the end of the month, subject to Mr Pitt's approval and will be whisked over to LA to join the clan by the end of September.

2011 has been busy year for Jolie with her filming in between her wild sex life. She has also renewed her commitment as a UN Goodwill Ambassador to visit the world's poor following global disasters, for which Louis Vuitton have built special disaster proof travel cases. Her work has seen thousands gather to touch her famous pouting lips which are believed to heal the sick.

Various third world governments have condemned Jolie feeling that their citizens have been misled as they have come under pressure from protests in the streets. Cambodian's have been trying to storm the US embassy in protest with the ambassador fleeing, whilst Tunisia is under a new curfew. Western women with pouty lips have been advised to take care in the streets until the situation calms down. UN Security Council is holding an emergency meeting to discuss the problem and see if other celebrities can come forward but have ruled out Geri Halliwell and Stick Spice who are on a lifetime blacklist.

Jolie's spokesperson defends her broken promises; "Angelina's heart is so big that after a world crisis and in the heat of the moment she says she is going to adopt every orphan. This is of course utterly impossible and she would not want to be swamped in her own home and made to feel a minority. She has focussed on Britain, as she has realised how utterly screwed the country is."

The League of Celebrity Adopters has welcomed the news and sees Jolie setting a new trend for European babies, "The whole of LA is excited with anticipation of the new arrival. We have seen many backward children turn their life around when they came here to live with the rich and the famous. Many of these children are now productive members of the Hollywood super elite, ending up in the most exclusive rehabs this city has to offer. Angelia continues to break new ground with her efforts to help those parents who want to make quick money from their offspring."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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