Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Cher Lloyd's 'Swagger Jagger' Utter Shite, Say Critics
Cher Lloyd: shit.

Critics across the UK have sensationally branded Cher Lloyds new single 'Swagger Jagger' as 'utter shite', today.

People with ears all over the UK took the decision to reveal their findings after hearing the mouthy cow warble nonsense over a tepid, synth-laden dance track.

The Cole-clone was said to be devastated by the news, and was last seen kicking one of her many aides in the leg, whilst throwing a tantrum in W H Smith's.

Industry expert, Enid Tubbs, 87, said "Cher who? Oh, that nasty little strumpet. Yes, I've heard her on TV. Can't make out what she's on about. Do you want a biscuit with your tea, dear? Did you show me your I.D or not? I'm so forgetful these days! The boiler's just over here. Your tool bag doesn't look very full."

The single managed to reach number one, mainly because Simon Cowell made sure it did, as he systematically kills off the music industry song by song, manufactured artist by manufactured artist.

Music sellers are expecting huge returns of the single, as people realise what utter shite it truly is, but downloaders will not be so lucky.

"You can easily package up a CD for return and refund," said a representative of the Online Music Sellers Association, "but you can't send a download back, so you're stuck with it, I'm afraid. I'd personally just delete the track and suffer the cost."

Lloyd is preparing to release yet more utter shite soon. Unless she follows in the footsteps of Amy.

We live in hope.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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