Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for The Kinetic King Moves On To The Semi-Finals On America's Got Talent
The Kinetic King uses a total of 170 decks of playing cards in his act. (Photo courtesy of Celine Dion).

HOLLYWOOD - The America's Got Talent contestant who has been the surprise crowd favorite of the season is known as The Kinetic King.

And he is also one of the few acts that Piers Morgan has not only not buzzed (X'd) but actually likes.

In fact after AGT Host Nick "The Pixie Stick" Cannon announced that KK, as his family and close friends call him, had been chosen by the viewing public to move on into the semi-finals, Morgan actually made his way up on stage and bowed down before him.

Nick, Sharon Osbourne, Howie Mandel, the audience, and the entire AGT crew all looked on in utter shock. Morgan then shook his hand and said that he was the undisputed king.

The Kinetic King whose real name is Tim Ford smiled and one could actually see his shoes both lifting off of the stage floor.

KK employs a myriad of thousands of objects and gadgets which he sets up on stage and then watches them as they start falling down in a chain reaction collapsing and knocking down the next object and in turn knocking down the next one and so on.

Some of the objects he uses include dominoes, tongue depressors, Saltine Crackers, tinker toys, Popsicle sticks, Lego's, soda cans, empty pink tampon dispensers, and Pop Tarts.

The Kinetic King says that he has performed his act in 17 states and hopes to eventually perform it in all 50 states including Alaska.

When Nick asked him if he was married he replied that he wasn't. He was then asked if he had a girlfriend. He smiled and said that he used to but she left him one day when she got into bed with him for a round of some mattress frolicking and she found about 90 dominoes scattered throughout the bed.

He did confess that he really didn't like her because she drank way too much Olympia Beer, she couldn't cook, she constantly criticized his hair, and one day during an argument she took 60 of his tongue depressors broke them in half and tossed them in his bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The Kinetic King did not want his girlfriend's name mentioned but since she was so mean I am going to mention her name anyway. She's a chain smoking, overweight, flat-chested, fake blonde named Candelaria Lulu McMuckamick.]

KK says his goal is to win the $1 million first prize and to go to Las Vegas and set up an object display that will incorporate all of his usual objects plus about $10 million in casino chips.

SIDENOTE: The 12 acts that performed were all Wild Card Acts that had been brought back after having been eliminated on a previous show. One act that got eliminated for a second time was Avery & The Calico Hearts, a trio of Alvin & The Chipmunks sound-alike elementary school girls from Lubbock, Texas, who reportedly were so traumatized at being eliminated for a second time that they'll all definitely be needing several sessions with a professional childhood therapist.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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