CATALINA ISLAND - Charlie Sheen recently said that he no longer misses his two former goddesses Natalie Kenly and Rachel Oberlin and that he has burned all of the clothes items, shoes, and padded bras that they both left behind.
He says that he realizes that all both skanks were interested in was just being seen with him in order to further their careers.
Sheen grinned as he took a sip from a bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila and said that truth be told the anorexic looking bitches really had no careers other than waiting on him hand and foot and meeting his every whim, no matter how sordid, smutty, or shameful it may have been.
The former actor now widely known as "The Space Cadet" told Pia Confetti of The El Lay Informer that he has gotten over the fact that he threw away a $1.8 million per episode salary when he left his hit show Two and A Half Men high and dry.
He also noted that he can understand why many of his former fans are now ex-fans after reading all of the bad things that the Jewish producer, head writer, and owner of Two and a Half Men, Chuck "Yiddish Boy" Lorre wrote and said about him.
Charlie then smiled as he informed Miss Confetti that there is a new woman in his life now. He took another sip from is bottle of Jose Cuervo and said that this woman is a real lady. She is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.
Confetti started laughing and asked him if she was a member of the Boys Scouts. Sheen got an extremely puzzled look on his face and asked her why she would ask him such a question.
Pia grinned and told him that he had just described the Boy Scout Code. Charlie asked her if being obedient was part of the Boy Scout Code. She replied that it was.
He then said that perhaps she had been a den mother at one time or another because he had gotten all of those qualities about her based on things she had said to him on their first date.
Confetti asked him where the two had gone. Carlitos, as fellow cast member Conchata Ferrell used to call him, said that the two spent a nice evening just relaxing totally naked out on the warm sands of Catalina Island.
He pointed out that Heidi is a highly misunderstood woman who has been criticized simply because she has had 38 surgeries in order to enhance the inner beauty that she has by bringing it out for the entire world to see.
When asked if the two had engaged in a game of 'Hiding the Salami' Sheen smiled, took two drinks from his bottle of Jose Cuervo and said that he could not lie and that Miss Montag had definitely given him several "A-Ha Moments."
In a related story. Conchata Ferrell who weighs 302 pounds says that she plans on going on the Vienna Sausage Diet which her doctor told her he guarantees she'll lose at least two pounds per month.