Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 31 December 2011

image for Charlie Sheen's Heidi Montag Blow Up Inflatable Doll Mysteriously Blows Up!
The Sherman Oaks Police arriving at Charlie Sheen's Casa Jose Cuervo. (Photo by Pancho Estevez)

SHERMAN OAKS - Police were recently called to the Mulholland Estates Mansion of actor Charlie Sheen after reports of some kind of explosion was called in by a neighbor.

According to Sherman Oaks Police, a call was received at police headquarters from a frantic individual who said that a strange exploding sound had come from his next-door neighbor's home whom he identified as belonging to Charlie "The Space Cadet" Sheen.

The neighbor identified as Pancho Estevez, 71, no relation to Sheen, whose real name is Carlos Estevez, said that he has a pet giraffe that he keeps in his backyard and that it has not stopped making crazed banshee sounds since the explosion.

Police soon arrived at the Sheen residence known as Casa Jose Cuervo, reportedly named after a very good friend of Mr. Sheen's.

When Officer Prentiss Hemmingbox (SOPD Badge #983451) entered Sheen's home he instantly detected the smell of burned rubber. Officer Flagler Cloudweather (SOPD Badge #983493) who was right behind him also detected the same smell plus a very strong secondary smell of tequila, nachos, and sopapillas.

Officer Hemmingbox gathered up a bunch of skin colored pieces of rubber and asked Sheen if he happened to know what in the world it was.

Charlie, took a sip from his Jose Cuervo bottle and replied, "Nopers."

Officer Cloudweather in a stern voice said, "With a little respect fella."

"Nopers, officers." Sheen managed to say.

Officer Hemmingbox asked Sheen to tell him what on earth had happened. Charlie grinned like the Calabasas cat that swallowed the Compton canary and replied that he had no friggin idea but that his mouth felt like it had been bitten by several fire ants.

Just then Officer Cloudweather noticed that Sheen had a surveillance camera pointed in the vicinity of where all of the burned rubber was.

He took the camera down and put the tape in the VCR player located in the corner.

All three men sat down. Charlie asked them if he could get them some tequila, nachos, sopapillas, or drugs. He quickly realize that he was talking to police officers and replied that he was just joking about the drugs, the tequila, and the nachos.

As the tape began playing, Charlie suddenly perked up. He turned as red as a Tennessee tomato as he watched himself on the screen with a Heidi Montag Blow Up Inflatable Doll sitting on his lap.

The two officers watched and started laughing as they watched Charlie actually talking to to the doll and telling her that she was very pretty and that she had a fine pair of tits on her.

He then asked her if he could get her a drink or perhaps another hit of air. One officer almost fell out of his chair. Charlie remarked that he was going to take the remote control and fast forward the tape.

Officer Hemmingbox told him that if he tried it he would probably run the risk of getting his finger shot.

And then the video came to the part where both seasoned officers, who have pretty much seen it all, had to actually turn away. The California Pornographic Inflatable Blow Up Doll Act of 1997 prohibits individuals from actually broadcasting or even talking about what happened next.

But needless to say it is what caused the Heidi Montag Blow Up Inflatable Doll to blow up!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Let me say that I was able to obtain a copy of the surveillance tape from the Sherman Oaks Police Department under the Matilda Tweezermann Journalistic Freedom To Know Policy and let me say that what I saw was not pretty - and in fact it was downright sad, but dammit, one has to consider the source.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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