Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 4 August 2011

image for America's Got Talent: The African Dancers Zuma Zuma and L.A. Comedian Melissa Villasenor Move Onto The Semi-Finals
These are the pills that germ freak Howie Mandel takes to ward off 99.9 pecent of all germs.

HOLLYWOOD - The Kinetic King had all of his dominoes, tongue depressors, Popsicle sticks, Lego's, Pop Tarts, playing cards, and Saltine Crackers confiscated and the producers of America's Got Talent bought him a Greyhound bus ticket back to St. Paul, Minnesota.

AGT Host Nick "The Pogo Stick" Cannon said that the executives of the show felt so bad about the fact that KK's act went so horribly wrong that they have agreed to pay for his therapy sessions once he gets back to his hometown.

Piers Morgan said that KK really should see about possibly getting into the government's "Witness Protection Program."

One group that America truly liked was the African dance warriors known as Zuma Zuma. All five members were born and live in Africa and each one showed the judges various bites on their arms and legs which they received from lions, panthers, cheetahs, rhinos, hippos, and a sex-starved boa constrictor.

The little high-voiced elementary school girl trio of Avery & The Calico Hearts were sent back to Lubbock, Texas. Morgan, ever the grouchy grump, told the girls to go back and continue with their schooling and come back in five years once they lose those irritatingly irritating Alvin & The Chipmunks voices.

Los Angeles comedian Melissa Villasenor, who did impersonations of Drew Barrymore, Sharon Osbourne, Owen Wilson, Condoleezza Rice, Michele Bachmann, the Aflac duck, and Brett Favre, was voted to move on by the viewers.

Melissa for being a stand up comedian has to be one of the shyest stand up comedians in the history of stand up comedians. Howie Mandel says that he thinks one of the reasons why she is so popular is because people are afraid that if they don't laugh at her jokes she will start crying and probably harm herself.

Morgan, Mr. Personality, said that he likes her impressions but suggested that she stop buying her clothes at Walgreen's Drug Store, learn to stand up straighter (no pun intended), and perhaps start saving up for breast enhancement surgery.

In a non-related story. Joan Rivers reportedly showed up at President Obama's 50th birthday party at the White House but secret service agents asked her to leave because they were afraid that her space alien look would traumatize Sasha and Malia Obama.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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