Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 3 August 2011

image for America's Got Talent: The Judges Like Avery & The Calico Hearts But Say They Sound Like Life-Like Versions of The Chipmunks
A bike that was used by one of the crowd's favorite acts, The Yellow Designs Stunt Team.

HOLLYWOOD - The latest edition of America's Got Talent certainly saw quite a variety of performers.

Africa's dance troupe Zuma Zuma, dressed in traditional African warrior outfits and jungle paint, performed well as did the dance team from Illinois, Fatality Unique who were dressed like the 101st Airborne Division.

The Kinetic King's act which consists of setting up dominoes, tongue depressors, tinker toys, Pop Tarts, playing cards, legos, Saltine Crackers, and other assorted knick knacks failed miserably.

The act never got going. Everything just stayed in place and finally KK just started kicking everything with the help of the show's host Nick "The Swizzle Stick" Cannon.

Howie Mandel and Sharon Osbourne asked KK what the heck happened and he just shook his head and said that he was astounded. He said that he has no idea but then he blamed it on moisture, the air conditioning system, the crowds heavy breathing, Michele Bachmann's homophobic husband Marcus, and Piers Morgan jinxing him when he first appeared on stage.

Nick informed the judges and the studio audience as well as the viewers at home that the Kinetic King, who is now known as the Kinetic Jester, spent 36 hours setting up the entire display which failed as miserably as the Miami Heat did against the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Championship Finals.

One of the night's favorites was the little trio of girls from Lubbock, Texas known as Avery & The Calico Hearts. The judges liked them but said that they sound way too much like life-like versions of Simon, Theodore, and Alvin, aka The Chipmunks.

When Piers Morgan said that the little girls are still five years away from making it to the big time one of the girls mothers shouted out from the audience, "Shut your effin face Piers you lousy Larry King wannabe!"

Morgan turned and shot her the finger at which time security stepped in and escorted the mother out of the studio. They then informed Morgan that if he shot the finger on live television again he would probably end up with the sucker in a cast.

The crowd really liked Sam B, an extremely overweight dancer from Virginia who was constantly smiling, waving his hands in the air, and sweating up a storm like Shaquille O'Neal used to do when he was still playing basketball.

Three other acts that received lots of applause were Melissa Villasenor a bashful stand up comedian from El Lay (L.A.), the Yellow Designs Stunt Team who perform on bikes that they actually rode to the studio, and Team Illuminate who can best be described as Star Wars Meets The Grandchildren of Marcel Marceau.

In a related story. White House Press Secretary Cal Colfax has stated that President Obama and the "First Mama" told him that America's Got Talent has just replaced Hell's Kitchen as their favorite television show.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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