Astonishing revelations surfacing in Burnley, Lancashire, claim that the bungling French detective, Inspector Jacques Clouseau, of the Surete - for a long time missing and presumed dead - has turned up in the rapidly fading mill town, along with his inscrutable Chinese manservant, Cato.
The revelations were made public by loan shark, Freddie Gizzard, who claims to have inadvertently stumbled across Clouseau and Cato, when he knocked on the wrong door at an address in Grange Street in the town, hoping to collect an extortionate repayment on a £100 loan at an interest rate of 8,776% interest - daily.
"I couldn't believe it when I knocked on the door and Clouseau himself answered," a clearly shaken Gizzard told reporters. "He was wearing a silk kimono, which is a bit unusual round here. It was then that I realised I'd come to the wrong house - it should have been next door really. I recognised him right away, even moreso when he asked me if I'd just wronged the deerbull. I was always a fan of the Pink Panther films, but I was led to believe that Clouseau was dead. I couldn't believe it when he answered the door, asked me whit I winted, and enquired if I had a laysonce to cullict pooments on leans. At first I wasn't sure, but then Cato crept up behind Clouseau and hit him on the head with a cheesegrater. They started to fight. That's when I realised that it really was them!"
It is believed that following the unsolicited intrusion, Clouseau and Cato slammed the door and drew the curtains, before resuming their fight.
In response to repeated questions shouted through the letterbox, the man alleged to be Inspector Clouseau, apparently responded:
"Goo aweigh! You naughty gentlemen from ze priss! I am avink ze fusticuffs with my loyal manservant, Cato! I am in turrible tribble ici! And need to cuncentrute on ma tuchnaque of ze mortiul arts! Goo aweigh! Fick off ye porasotes!"
Is Clouseau still alive and living in Burnley?
On Grange Street?
Is this rarely the nose?
Mare as wu git ut.