Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 27 July 2011

image for Kat Von D Gets Fat to Hide Jesse James Tattooed Face
Jesse James Face Prominantly Displayed on Kat Von D's Belly

Supporting the urban truth that accepting a tattoo of your lover signals the end of a relationship, Jesse James has split from L.A. Ink Star Kat Von D following her recent acceptance of a full facial tattoo of James on her belly. Von D has reportedly decided to hide the enormous tattoo by eating until James's face is stretched beyond recognition.

Neither party was available for interviews on the situation, but James and Von D, are claiming that it was an amicable separation brought on by the distance between them. While those closest to James say that he is in mourning over the loss, Willy Bolton, long time friend of James says, "Jesse is torn up over the split, in fact we've been out to strip clubs all week long trying to drown his sorrows with a bottle of beer". When asked why professional naked dancers were required as part of the mourning process, Bolton replied, "You need to see what this one girl can do with a bottle of beer before you pass judgement".

On the set of the hit cable series "L.A. Ink", insiders tell reporters that Kat Von D has been mainlining double cheeseburgers and cream filled doughnuts all week long, just starting to show the early stages of a spare tire around her mid-section. "That's a bitch of a tattoo to hide or distort", says L.A. Ink producer Harvey Stickles. "But you can just see the cheeks and ears of Jesse's face start to stretch now. It won't be long, though Kat is going to pork up a bit".

Hard core L.A. Ink fans, most of them owners of Harley Davidson motorcycles, don't mind a little extra of Kat Von D to grab onto. "She'd still look good on the back of my hog", says San Jose Sky Riders Chapter President, Ben "Knuckles" Wallace. "In fact, throw a leather vest on her to hide James' face, and she can ride on the front of my hog too". Reporters were left to wonder what Wallace actually meant, but thought better of asking the two time convicted felon for a clarification.

Kat Von D can be found at a L.A. Burger Queen near you.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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